Memphis Set For Epic Monster Battle

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Be afraid!
  • Be afraid!
Memphis is on the verge of a "monster Armageddon, the likes of which have not been seen since Godzilla attacked Tokyo," warned Dr. Frank N. Berry, dean of the University of Memphis' Department of Monsterology.

In light of reports of a giant hat stealing owl in the High Point neighborhood, Dr. Berry is concerned that more terror awaits the Memphis citizenry.

"If it were just the owl, I would be concerned. But not THIS concerned," Dr. Berry said while nervously mixing test tubes filled with colored liquid with dry ice to generate an atmospheric fog. "But you combine this hellish bird with the verified existence of the Midtown Coyote, and it's clear that MONSTERS ARE INVADING THE CITY!!!" Dr. Berry then laughed maniacally and shook his fists towards the Heavens.

According to Dr. Berry, other monsters have been reported in Memphis, but the media has "kept the news buried deep, much like a ghoul. But as we all know, eventually ghouls will emerge!"

Dr. Berry claims that the unreported monster list is extensive. Shuffling through yellowed papers with glyphs and unreadable script, Dr. Berry noted alleged sightings of the Binghampton Buzzard of Monstrous Size, the Collierville Chupacabra, the Whitehaven Dune Worm, the North Memphis Yeti, the Raleigh Tyrannosaurus, the Wolfchase Elder Thing, and the Ghastly Giant Firebreathing Moth of Millington.

"Worst case scenario, these monsters are gathering to destroy every man, woman, child and structure in the city during a monstrous battle royale that will rage on for weeks. Best case scenario? The very same," Dr. Berry stated with unusual gravitas.

Dr. Berry believes this struggle will be triggered when Great Cthulhu arises from his water tomb in the Wolf River Harbor and emits a battle cry to the other beasts. He anticipates this will happen next Thursday. At about 3:30 p.m.

Joey Hack is a Wiseguy and a regular contributor to Fly on the Wall.

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