Family Dollar Airlines Expands Catapult Services to Include Memphis International Airport

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MEMPHIS—The Memphis International Airport today welcomed yet another major player in the low-cost goods market to their fold, as discount store Family Dollar revealed that their “no frills” regional air service would begin operations within the year.

Family Dollar Airlines President Umberto Martine was on hand to display working models of the high-powered catapults that would propel cash-strapped travelers from Memphis to “the general vicinity of” Little Rock, Nashville and Jackson, Mississippi in under an hour’s time, and for less than the cost of traditional airline baggage fees.

“We can offer this service at an incredibly low price because we cut out a lot of the extras that people are used to, but don’t really need when traveling,” said Martine. “Without beverage services, trained pilots or airplanes to account for, you’d be surprised how little it costs to run an airline.”

Passengers on FDA will be loaded in fifty-person batches into a pressurized biodegradable plastic sphere and hurled through the air by minimum wage employees, reaching speeds that NASA scientists have deemed “offensive.” Riders are encouraged to wear helmets, earplugs and many layers of soft clothing, in addition to carrying a precautionary first aid kit, all of which can be purchased at one of Memphis’ 2000 Family Dollar locations.

Martine is hopeful that his employees will take advantage of the complementary jump-seating policy, which allows them to travel on the exterior shell of the sphere to any available destination. In addition, the company plans to offer a seat on the inaugural flight to “anyone adventurous to try our ‘fresh’ produce.”

Round trip services are not offered, nor needed, at present.

Robert Callahan is a member of the Wiseguys and a regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

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