Buzzfly: 11 Signs That You’re a Radioactive Hyper-Tarantula from Memphis

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1.You’re tired of hearing about Bass Pro Shops taking over the Pyramid, because it would be the perfect place for you to raise your thousands of hatchlings.

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2. Out-of-towners are always asking you why you don’t have an accent while you drain them of bodily fluids.

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3. You think the lanes on Poplar are too narrow to chase humans and other large prey.

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4.You practically live at Central BBQ. Also in the fever dreams of frightened children everywhere.

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5. You think it’s cute when people from Cordova say they grew up in Memphis. Also being in your presence for five minutes is the equivalent of 45 chest x-rays.

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6. You went to Voodoo Village once when you were younger, but you got scared when a car pulled up behind you and you crushed it with one of your gargantuan hairy legs.

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7. You L-O-V-E Graceland, and visit every time you need a break from being chased by desperate government scientists.

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8. You’re afraid of the earthquake that Memphis is long overdue for, because it heralds the arrival of Bhul’gaatane the Serpent, your mortal foe.

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9. You followed Kerry Crawford’s “I Love Memphis” blog religiously, and now that she quit, you just follow her, waiting.

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10: You think the inability of the city and county governments to cooperate on school consolidation is damaging to the the long-term infrastructure of the city, as your hulking frame damages the long-term infrastructure of the city.

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AND FINALLY: Whenever some idiot says, “Memphis sucks, there’s nothing to do here,” you spring from the shadows, cover them in a digestive juice from your chelicerae and consume their dissolved flesh.

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Robert Callahan is a Wisguy and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

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