TN Legislature Approves Measure Requiring That All Guns be Fired Continuously



Mae Beavers
  • Mae Beavers
NASHVILLE—The Senate Firearms and Ammunition Committee unanimously voted today in support of a measure mandating all Tennessee gun owners to fire their weapons ceaselessly. It's a measure the bill's supporters describe as, “a step towards a more peaceful and harmonious state for all.”

“We wanted to send a clear message that the government of Tennessee firmly supports our constitutional right to bear and discharge arms,” said Senate sponsor Mae Beavers, as she postured with twin M-16s. “As I see it, there is no better way to ensure your personal safety than with an unyielding stream of suppressive fire.”

Beavers then knelt down on the capitol steps and unloaded both assault rifles into the afternoon sky, letting loose a cry of anguish and victory which scattered wildlife and shattered nearby car windows.

Independent analysis of the legislation has indicated that the average Tennessee gun owner will spend approximately $50,000 per year on ammunition as a result of the bill. When reached for comment, NRA spokesman Terrence O’Kane refused to stop operating a .50 caliber mounted machine gun long enough to be understood.

The Firearms and Ammunition Committee, known colloquially as the F’n A, has been unusually prolific this year, passing bills giving guns the right to vote, naming the Desert Eagle the official state bird and legalizing concealed carry for death rays. F’n A is scheduled to meet next Wednesday for a hostile takeover of the milquetoast Education Committee.

Robert Callahan is a Wise Guy and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

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