His Roommate is a Wanker!

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Dear Jack,

I recently moved to Memphis for my job. A friend of a friend recommended someone they knew who needed a roommate, so I met the guy. He seemed ok and the deal was pretty good so I moved in. I've been here for about three weeks now. About a week after I moved in, I came home from work one Friday and found him sitting in the den wanking. Unlike a normal person in a normal situation, he didn't try to hide it. He just said, "Hey," and kept on going. I retreated to my bedroom and stayed there all night.

The next morning he acted like everything was perfectly normal, but I couldn't get the image of him out of my head. I'm as normal as the next guy, so I'm not going to pretend I've never done it. But not in front of other people!

Three days later I walked by the hall bathroom and there he was, going at it. I kept on walking, right out the door. A couple of days after that, he was doing it again. Finally I said something to him and he apologizes. He said he wasn't really wanking, he was just sort of holding it. He said that he comes from a very open family and it wasn’t unusual. He said he didn't know it bothered me and promises to do it in private from now on. This past week, I asked out a woman from work. We had a nice date and went back to my apartment. We were in the den watching a movie and started making out, when all of a sudden I saw her looking at something behind me. I turned around and there was my roommate, wanking. He just kind of casually said, "Sorry, didn't know you were home," turned around and went back to his room.

My date was over. Worse, she accused me of setting the whole thing up with my roommate. Since the only people I know in town are the people I work with, I'm afraid to start asking around to see if anyone needs a roommate, especially if she has spread the story of my wanker around the office. I'm still the new guy and people don't really trust me. I can't afford to move out on my own, not until after I get a few paychecks and can save up a deposit.

So what am I supposed to do? Stick it out? I don't want to hide in my room for three months.

Stuck with a Wanker

Dear Sticky,

Dude. Seriously? Don't worry about what people might have heard around the office. Start asking today. Also look in the want-ads and Craigslist. Pawn your car title for deposit money if you have to. Find somebody with a room and GTFO. Your roommate has issues you really don't want to hang around and explore. It's just a shame you can't do like on Star Trek and leave a space beacon to warn other travelers away from his planet. Beyond this point monsters abide.

Got a problem? Let Jack Waggon set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

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