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Family Values

Divorced state senator Paul Stanley (R-Splitsville) wants to keep government out of people's personal lives. That's why the Shelby County lawmaker is proposing a bill that would force married couples with children under 15 to wait a year before divorcing. Stanley says his bill isn't intended to keep unhappy couples together, it's intended to look after our children's "best interests." You know, like when Daddy comes home at 3 a.m. and finds Mama sitting on the couch sobbing in the dark and Daddy calls Mama a "stupid tramp," and Mama calls Daddy an "ignorant $#%& who can't keep a %$#@ing job," and Daddy slaps Mama and she screams, then Mama slaps back and Daddy cries and then they both start yelling about money and who cheated on who first. The kids just can't get enough of that.

Milestones

The Fly-Team now interrupts its regular weekly programing of sarcasm and bitter irony to announce a truly momentous occasion. Elvis' clothier Bernard Lansky, the man who matched pink with black and helped create the original look of rock-and-roll, turns 80 this week. Let us all remove our purple fur hats with the rhinestones and peacock feathers in honor of this occasion.

Burn the Witch!

Shortly after announcing her candidacy for City Council, Save Libertyland activist Denise Parkinson told The Daily News it was time to "clean house."

"I've got a broom," she said, "and I'm not afraid to use it." Then she waved to Dorothy and the Munchkins and floated away in a golden bubble.

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