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5-Finger Discount

Shane Cleo Gardner of Memphis was recently charged with aggravated robbery after attempting to steal electronics from Wal-Mart and spraying a store employee with what has been described as a chemical weapon. Experts have suggested that when sentencing time rolls around, Gardner will pay 10 to 15 percent less for his crime than if he had attempted to steal the same electronics from a competing store.

Jesus Christ

At a press conference held last week, one of several preachers compared Mayor Willie Herenton's divine campaign strategy of refusing to take part in any debates to Jesus' earthly ministry.

"John the Baptist once challenged Jesus to a debate," the preacher said, adding that the politically savvy messiah refused to be suckered into any such battle of wits. The approving crowd of Herenton supporters were then told that Jesus rejected the challenge by asking, "Aren't the blind still being made to see?"

According to scripture, John the Baptist, a firebrand if there ever was one, did send two of his followers to ask the more mild-mannered Jesus if he was indeed the big kahuna. Not a debate, exactly. Herenton, who performed no healing miracles that day, did display his obviously Christ-like virtues by comparing blacks who don't support him to "house negroes."

School Days

Abby Schwimmer, a Memphian attending Indiana University, is refining her skills as a snarky humor columnist at the Indiana Daily Student. A recent column about trendy bottled waters, however, contained one serious flaw. "The American consumer base ... is fooling itself to think that just because water comes from a place with a 17-syllable, snooty-sounding name, it is somehow purer or healthier than what comes out of our faucets," Schwimmer wrote. The place with the snooty sounding name: Fiji.

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