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Fly on the Wall

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Headlines

This has been an interesting week for headlines. Here are some of the best:

• This story topper from The Commercial Appeal may be one of the most Onion-like headlines to appear outside The Onion: "Plaques on wall chiefly there to cite Memphis Police Department's past, inspire." But what are the secondary and tertiary functions? And wouldn't inspirational posters of cats do the same thing for a lot less money?

• When a horse's hoof got stuck in a Beale Street storm drain, a group of cowboys visiting Memphis for a roping competition assisted in its rescue. They were rewarded with free drinks, which they must have shared with the Associated Press headline writer who dubbed the story, "Using their talent to good use."

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• And there's this: "40-Year-Old Mary Magdalene Caught Naked in Teen's Closet." Mary Collier was having an affair with the teen. But by using the woman's unusual middle name, the headline writer evoked images of the biblical prostitute often identified as the bride of Christ. Had Christ actually been dating this woman, he would have certainly cured her pattern baldness.

God's Work

Tennessee state Senator Bill Ketron (R-Murfreesboro) and Rep. Judd Matheny (R-Tullahoma) have introduced a bill making the practice of Sharia law — a system of religious laws for Muslims — a felony punishable by chopping off the hands you pray with. Okay, that's a lie. The actual proposed punishment is a mere 15 years in prison.

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