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Letter From the Editor

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"The future seems to me no unified dream but a mince pie, long in the baking, never quite done."

-- E.B. White

Like E.B. White, I also see the future as somewhat half-baked. But that won't stop me from joining dozens of other writers and various media types in making some predictions for 2006.

For example, I forecast without fear or favor that KFC's highly advertised new "all-breast-meat" chicken wings will be a fly-away success. In fact, the product will be so successful that it will spur McDonald's to create a new Happy Meal item: all-beef fish sticks.

I predict that bank robbers who are apprehended will take a cue from Congress and attempt to avoid prosecution by giving the money they stole to charities. I predict that a hurricane will strike Corpus Christi, Texas, and that Pat Robertson will say it was the will of God because Texas misspelled Christ. I predict that Jerry Falwell will eat Pat Robertson. (Have you looked at ol' Jabba Jerry lately?)

I predict that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will become parents and that their baby will immediately ask to be adopted by Angelina Jolie. I predict that Britney will dump K-Fed -- and that he will immediately ask to be adopted by Angelina Jolie. I forecast that Craig Brewer's next movie will be about a pair of gay Memphis drug dealers. It will be called Smoke Crack Mountain.

I predict you will get at least one e-mail a day offering to enlarge your manhood. And at least three prominent "family values" conservatives will be busted for homosexual behavior or illegal drugs or infidelity. I predict that the Memphis Tigers will win the NCAA championship and that Rodney Carney will sign an endorsement deal for Wendy's new grilled-tuna chicken fingers.

And I predict that you will enjoy another 51 issues of the Flyer. Or double your money back.

Bruce VanWyngarden, Editor

brucev@MemphisFlyer.com

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