I am about to scream! In fact, I just screamed. Out loud. In my house. My kittens are afraid. But then they are always a tad bit afraid because, in keeping with my past practice of dressing up my poor, late Jeffie cat in embarrassing costumes, I have just taken a ruffled coffee filter and fanned it out in a folded shape and put it on one of their heads and made her play Patti LaBelle Kitty. It's sick. But that's not why I am about to scream. I just bought an e-mail/Internet/cell-phone/dish-television "package" from a company whose name I won't mention (but it sounds a lot like LaBelle if she were from the South), and all I want to do is simply conduct a Google search to get more details about the new White House/Fox News press secretary, and it is not working. First of all, after spending, oh, 17 HOURS on the phone with BS (that's what I call the company now) to get this "package," they sent me the "easy" kit to hook it all up. After trying my best for several days to install the program and then having to have a professional computer programmer look at it and then take the computer to his office after hours of working on it at my house to no avail, it seemed like it might work out all right. And it did for a day or so. And then it began working with a mind of its own. I am not a complete moron when it comes to technology. Close, but not complete. I have gotten Web sites up and running and now manage their content. Well, one Web site. And I am good at it and very, very proud of myself for learning how to do this. I haven't yet ventured into the world of myspace.com as, apparently, every teenager in America has done and is now being stalked by creatures who are ending up on Dateline NBC, crying about how awful their lives have become. I hate them. ALL I WANT TO DO IS GOOGLE THE IDIOT PRESIDENT AND SEE IF IT IS TRUE THAT HE HIRED A FOX NEWS MORON TO BE HIS PRESS SECRETARY. But no. Now, when I log on, it sends me a message telling me there's a connection error and to exit the system to correct it. When I do, it pops up and tells me that there is NO ERROR and to exit the system to restart the search and then when I do it pops back up and tells me there IS an error and to exit the system again and when I do it again tells me there is no error and to exit again and when I do it pops back and tells me there IS an error and to exit again. Look: I have four hours before I have to take my shoes off in public at the airport and leave town. I own two pairs of pants. They each have cigarette burns on them and the cuffs look like Courtney Love's split ends (God love her!). This is a business trip. Until yesterday, I had no ATM card (magnetic strip worn to a frazzle from too many bar tabs), no eyeglasses (smashed to bits last weekend during a botched canoeing trip), and one of my kittens is already urinating on his food, sensing that I am leaving town and thereby abandoning him forever and sending him into shock. Before this is all over with, I may be urinating on my own food. I need a break. And I have four hours to work it all out. Would someone please send a letter to the editor of this paper with information about the idiot president and let me know all about this new press secretary? I have a feeling I am going to be locked up somewhere for a while.