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The Rant

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I fear that heaven will have to help us all for the next couple of months, as this week seems to be the official dig-in and get-down for the upcoming November elections, and it is going to be relentless for anyone who pays attention to the news. And you can bet that it is all going to be about terror, terror, terror. Blah, blah, blah. As if we haven't heard enough about that already. And about 75 percent of it is B.S. Why can't politicians talk about something important, like Osama bin Laden's until-recently-secret crush on Whitney Houston? Now, there is a topic I would like to know more about. If Osama has been secretly obsessed with Whitney, as the ex-bin Laden sex slave's new book asserts, why don't we send her over to vamp him and bring him out of hiding? If Osama wants to smoke the peace pipe (insert crack pipe joke here) with Whitney, I say bring it on. At least it would make some people running for office finally have to face the fact that their "war on terror" is not half as dangerous as the utility bill I got in the mail the other day. And I can't wait to see the new bombardment of television campaign commercials. Yes, I certainly plan to vote for Bob Corker based on the fact that he used to pour concrete. That definitely qualifies him to be a U.S. senator. And how about Katherine Harris in Florida? Eew-weee. She is just plain grotesque and I bet you couldn't get a needle up that woman's ... Oh, I don't even want to think about that. Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum -- now, there is a fellow who is happy-go-lucky. Did anyone see him on Meet the Press last Sunday? He all but kept screaming at his opponent, "Did not! Did not! Did too! Did too!" It's like a bunch of talking-head robots without one original thing to say. I watched someone named Fran Townsend on the news the other morning. Apparently, she is a Homeland Security adviser for the current flea circus in the White House. I don't know where they came up with her, but she was a real gem. She couldn't say "cut and run" fast enough or often enough, and it had nothing to do with the questions she was asked. That crap just bubbles involuntarily out of pro-war freaks' mouths. Why can't Hugo Chavez run for some office in the United States so I could vote for him? I hope he starts charging ExxonMobil about 10 times more for his oil, just so they would have to sweat over their profits. I know it would mean higher gasoline prices here in the States, but I think it would be worth it to see them get screwed for once. But at least Paris Hilton's new CD is doing well, so that's one thing about which America can rejoice. She is so incredibly talented -- not to mention smart. Too bad she isn't running for political office in November. At least in her commercials she might not be wandering around a farm. Have you noticed how many political campaign commercials take place on a farm? Why is this? Why do people with aspirations for public office think strolling around the countryside with horses and cows makes them more appealing? There's nothing wrong with farming, but why do they have to have this backdrop? At least Harold Ford Jr. has been appearing in a soybean field to make a point. But the rest of them seem to be there just for the hell of it. I think someone should film a campaign commercial in the shower. NOT Katherine Harris, although it would be interesting to see her without the four or five inches of makeup she usually has on her face, especially those magic marker eyebrows. Yowza, those are scary. No, I want to look up at my television and see Hugo Chavez in the shower talking politics and asking for my vote. I would certainly give it to him. But then that's just me and I am weird that way.

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