Opinion » The Rant

The Rant

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Well, I thought I had made it go away. I stopped reading Google news. I almost stopped reading all newspapers. I stopped watching the television broadcast news. I almost stopped listening to other people's conversations. But then, like a bad sinus infection that never really goes away, it came back. I didn't mean

for it to happen. I walked into my den Sunday morning and the television was on and it happened to be on one of the political talk shows, and, while I was certain that it would be focusing on the trials and tribulations of Don Imus, it was a show featuring an interview with none other than Vice President Dick Cheney. It was totally surreal. And it was not surreal because he had been on Air Force One burning a lot of fuel a few days before to go to some kind of weird fund-raiser to make his case for MORE WAR, MORE WAR, MORE WAR. It was surreal because a bird slammed into the plane's engine while it was landing in Chicago, which can make said engine catch on fire. Anyone else might have been hurt. But not the Dick! The man can have a heart attack once a year and still be fine, albeit with no heart. Well, now, I take that back. He did stop on the way back to Washington with his daughter Liz to shop for one of his granddaughters and, in the process, took time out to let someone take photographs of the spree. I can't fathom, however, why he was purchasing, according to the Associated Press, a "doll with a Western cowboy hat and get-up." Now, that is sweet. His plane's engine gets smacked by a bird (poor bird), he gives a mean speech about the Democrats (who aren't much better than he is these days), and he still has time to buy one of his granddaughters a cowboy doll. May I remind you that this is the vice president of the United States, the country in which most of you live and whose government rules control much of your life? The only country in the world where someone from Europe is a desirable tourist but someone from one foot south of the Texas border is an "alien." But now back to cowboy dolls for little girls. Does this seem odd to anyone else? Is Cheney's nose so far up the ass of someone we all know and not love that he must shove upon his innocent granddaughter a doll in the psychological likeness of "brang 'im to me did ur aliiiiiive" George Bush? Or maybe it was supposed to represent a border-patrol cowboy trying to save us from them terrible aliens! Or a contract worker hired by a company that Cheney owns! Maybe it was a cowboy doll that keeps people from shooting each other and it was just a damn bit too little too late! At any rate, seeing him on the television show was startling in a way, because normally he stays hunkered down in the basement trying to dodge all of the terrorist rockets that are flying our (or his, I should say) way through the sky every waking moment of the day. And he actually said that he had not spoken to his boyfriend Scooter since Scooter got popped for outing the CIA agent and was sentenced to prison. May I remind you that Scooter was the chief of staff for the vice president of the United States and that, yes, his name is Scooter? Maybe he was buying that cowboy doll for Scooter to ease his guilt and so Scooter could have a little companion while in lockup. A little cowboy to keep him company in his time of trouble. Better than being married to the white-collar man with the most cigarettes, I guess. But can you imagine being in prison and having someone shout your name and it is Scooter? Scooter the Pooter! Make me another shooter! How sad. How sad for us all. But at least the Dick bought the cowboy doll and had it photographed. Ow! (I just slapped my own forehead.) Now I know why he bought the little girl a cowboy doll. It wasn't for THAT granddaughter!

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