Opinion » The Rant

The Rant

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I'm mad at Barack Obama, and, as I write this,

he hasn't even been inaugurated yet. Today, it is the 80th anniversary

of the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. — one day away from the inauguration

of the first black president of the United States of America. No shit. This is really, really happening. Legal gay marriage

might be next. And 24 hours before the inauguration, I just heard that incoming first lady Michelle Obama hasn't yet decided what she is going to wear. God love her. But I am mad at Barack.

I am mad at Barack Obama because he hasn't come to make a campaign stop at my house to let me kiss him on the top of his head and pet him. I'm serious about this. All I want to do is kiss the man on top of his head and tell him how CUTE he is. (You think if I get to write this column for the next four years I might make you throw up?) I know that I am pathetic. But I just want to squeeze his ears and pinch him on the cheeks and treat him the same way that I do my cats. I want to say to him, in my most gravelly voice, "I love you better than anything in this world!!!" I say that to my cat Stevie all the time. That and "You're so sweet and you're so mean!!!" I don't know why I say that to the cat or why I say anything to him since he is a cat and can't understand a word of human talk, but I do. And I want to say the same thing to Barack Obama.

I am also mad at Barack Obama because he has yet to release the song "Let's Get the Stank Out." This would be in reference to his presidential predecessor George W. Bush and Bush's finally leaving the White House. Obama and W have been far too nice and civil to each other during this transition. I know it's because Barack has class. But I want to hear him sing "Let's Get the Stank Out! Yeah, Yeah! Let's Get the Stank Out! Yeah, Yeah!"

I am also mad at Barack Obama because Bill Clinton had more balls. Yes, I actually heard a new commentator say that Bill Clinton "had more balls" when speaking about the inauguration festivities.

I am also mad at Barack Obama because he is an elitist. That means he is smart. We, as Amurkans, don't need a president who is smart. We need someone who feels things "in his gut" and then acts like a total jackass and attacks the people of countries who have done nothing detrimental to us so we can liberate them and then rationalizes that way of thinking by reminding the Amurkan people over and over and over and over that there's been no other attack like the one that took place on September 11, 2001 — not too long after, by the way, that "gut feeling" person became president. Has anyone ever put two and two together and come up with the answer that perhaps it might not have happened if the W had not been elected? And who voted for this guy? Is there anyone out there who would admit to it? I can understand if you live in central Iowa and don't know any better. But what about the rest of you who elected the Stank not only once but twice? Twice?

But that has nothing to do with why I am mad at Barack Obama. I am mad at Barack because he hasn't come to see me. Yes, ME. I'm concerned with only myself. I want Barack to come see ME. Oh, I get e-mails from his staff. They act like they value and want my opinion. But unlike the parade of Jehovah's Witnesses who knock on my door on a regular basis (and they are so sweet), Barack has not been to see me. What is he thinking? Does he have a country to run or something?

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