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The Rant

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A couple of weeks ago I accepted WMSB 88.9 American Family Radio into my life and became a changed man. Before I started listening to the Tupelo-based conservative Christian network (which has nearly identical sister stations in 40 states across America), I was worried about mundane things God doesn't care about, like global warming and the collapse of modern banking. Now I only concern myself with causes that God loves, like joining with my fellow Christians in boycotting Pepsi products to show those cloying Coke wannabes that we hate gay enablers just as much as He who sits at His Father's Right Hand hates gays.

Now that I've found such comforting family-oriented programming about the homosexual agenda, I'm scared to death that former Senator Barack Obama — who suspiciously won't hand over his birth certificate and is therefore probably not an American citizen and ergo not your president — is really a Muslim Manchurian candidate who wants to cripple talk radio by bringing back the so-called Fairness Doctrine. That's what AFR tells me.

I tuned into AFR by accident (some might say providence). The station at 88.9 on the FM dial used to be a filthy communist PBS station, and I was a filthy communist PBS listener until WKNO sold the station to AFR in 2007. After that, I started getting all my information online and listening to my iPod in the car. But a few weeks ago, I brushed against that blessed button I used to push back when the BBC seemed like a good idea, and I heard a beautifully voiced woman singing about how her face, like the face of all women, is smeared with the juice of forbidden fruit because she, like all women, is deeply connected to Eve and therefore personally responsible for mankind's ultimate fall from grace. Later that night, I learned from an AFR talk-show host that if you "adore" your sin-saddled wife "in private" she won't become "hard-looking" when she gets older. And if you adore her long and hard enough when you look into her face you'll see the face of Jesus, which was good news for me, since I've always secretly wanted my wife to look more like a sturdy Hebrew carpenter.

All day and all night, AFR brings me Christ-oriented headlines from Agape news contributor Rusty Pugh who, in spite of all indications to the contrary, was not named by Charles Dickens and whose very existence should be regarded as proof of both intelligent and ironic design. Shows like "Today's Issues" pepper my too-brief drive time with inspirational messages by people like Dr. Richard Land, president of the Southern Baptist Convention's Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission, who informed me that President Obama was "God's punishment" against America. A disgusted commentator named Craig on Michael Reagan's call-in program told me that he couldn't even bring himself to say "President" Obama. Craig said that "Mr. Obama" would reign over the death of America, echoing the dire warnings of Dr. Land and the ominous news reports of Rusty Pugh.

A public service announcement told me it's okay to need a porn filter. Another one pitched a news program called "Speechless," which is about Christians in our own country who are being silenced and suppressed for speaking out about faith, love, God, and the anti-Christian homosexual agenda. I immediately became worried for the First Amendment and wondered how our un-American president's stimulus package would further erode my right to read the Bible and hate on the fags that "Speechless" tells me are responsible for awful violence against true believers like me.

This made me worried for the good Christians at AFR, which is a ministry of the American Family Association, a not-for-profit organization that has lobbied against equal-rights legislation and for the criminalization of homosexuality. I wondered how speechless they would be if they were broadcasting their message over fewer than the 200 stations listed on their website.

Rush Limbaugh said it best last week in a column published in the fair and balanced editorial pages of Rupert Murdoch's Wall Street Journal. "Dear President Obama," the talk-radio giant wrote in an article that was eloquent, in spite of having no basis in reality. "Is it your intention to censor talk radio through a variety of contrivances, such as 'local content,' 'diversity of ownership,' and 'public interest' rules?"

Apparently, any new local and public-interest programming wouldn't just be anti-free market and anti-Democratic, it would be downright anti-Christian as well. At least that's what God — and Rush — told me.

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