Opinion » The Rant

The Rant

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While I don't have, and hope to never again have, a credit card, I am extremely pleased that President Obama had the nads to tell these scumbag companies that they can't just you-know-what everyone they like without a kiss or the common courtesy of a reach-around. Credit card companies are in the evil category with most mortgage companies, including the one with whom I have a lovely relationship, especially after the letter I got the other day informing me that because of something they "project," my house note will be more than $500 higher for the next year than it has been since I signed the dreaded dotted line with them. Well, I didn't sign with them, but they bought my mortgage from the original lender and have done everything in their power since to see that I end up in a mental hospital. So the new law prohibiting companies from just ratcheting up the interest rates on credit cards whenever they like, and for whatever reason they come up with that day, is a good law. But Mr. President, we need something else.

We need a "Shut Your F-ing Pie Hole Forever" law for some people and we need it sooner than later. I am loath to even mention the name of the person this law needs to apply to first because I don't want to give him more ink than what he is getting right now. And while I am usually not one of those people who is radical enough to march and protest and lie in the street and sit in trees until an issue gets changed, I do believe that I am going to start boycotting all products that are advertised on the television channels and in the newspapers that give him all of this coverage. Thank goodness, Easy Way and Joe's Liquors are not among them!

This man, whose name I refuse to mention (but who is not a great hunting partner unless you want to lose part of your face), is OUT OF OFFICE, and he should be SHUT OUT OF THE MEDIA now, before we have yet another country turn on us because of his tirades and rambling and lies and stupid and repugnant remarks. Rather than try to do some good for humanity, like many people who were elected officials and then stepped down, he is trying to defend what he did while he was in office and he looks like he has rabies while he's doing it. Dude, why can't you just fade away and help build a library or some Habitat for Humanity houses and "Shut Your F-ing Pie Hole Forever"? Nobody wants to hear you. Nobody wants to see your scary face. Nobody cares about you anymore, other than the multitudes who would like to see you on trial for war crimes. You're washed up and pathetic and you need to go fishing or help your wife with her lesbian porn literature or something. Don't go away mad. Just go away.

"Torture was never permitted," he recently proclaimed in a high-profile speech at the American Enterprise Institute in Washington, D.C. "For all that we've lost in this conflict," he added, "the United States of America has never lost its moral bearings." Talk about breaking the "Shut Your F-ing Pie Hold" law in a big way. I wish someone had used a giant photo from Abu Ghraib as a backdrop to that and sicced a pissed-off pit bull on his testicles. No, on second thought, that might be too mean. I wouldn't wish that kind of cruelty on any pit bull. It might have an allergy to nuts.

As long as the media are going to continue giving this man the opportunity to defend torture and every other evil thing he did while in office, why not structure the "Shut Your F-ing Pie Hole" law to have a couple of loopholes that would allow him to go on the air and talk with a hood over his head while hooked up to a battery and stripped of all his clothing and made to lie in a pile of other naked men? That way, he could truly speak from the heart and prove that he is right and that these tactics are not torture or at odds with America's moral bearings. No, on second thought, that might be too mean. I wouldn't want to wish that kind of cruelty on any other naked men.

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