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The Rant

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I don't know about the rest of you, but as long as I am in the state of Tennessee these days I'm not heading east of Shelby County.

All these other counties whose GOP legislators are passing resolutions to condemn Governor Bill Haslam for employing homosexuals, Democrats, and a Muslim are just a bit too Ku Klux Klannish for me. Yes, KKK. I'm surprised they aren't trying to also condemn him for hiring "the coloreds" and some Jews.

How in the world can this be the year 2012 and this kind of blatant bigotry still be going on? The Muslim they are fired up about is a woman who grew up in Tennessee and is highly qualified. Haslam retained some Democratic employees who worked for former Governor Phil Bredesen instead of kicking them out on the street because of their party affiliation. And their beef with the open homosexuals is that they work for the Department of Children's Services, because gay people are all child molesters and are unfit for making decisions that affect children, right?

I think the haters should all gather and have themselves a convention at the newly opened Redneck Resort in the small hamlet of Sweetwater in East Tennessee. Yes, there is a Redneck Resort. I first heard of this in a rather frightening news story on CNN, during which the morning news anchors tried their best to report on it while maintaining their composure. But they didn't do a very good job of it, as they showed images of trucks spinning around in mud and people sliding down hills into giant mud puddles.

This seems to be the perfect place for Haslam's GOP critics to get together and dish him. As the RR's website states, they could "cool off at the 'swimmin' hole' and catch some sun rays or hang out at Club Mud for a midday adult beverage and music." Later, you can "party after dark with live entertainment, various vendors including an on-site parts vendor for all of your repair needs and much more."

See? And I bet there won't be too, too many Muslims, homosexuals, or Democrats there to ruin your weekend. You'll enjoy hanging out with other mud lovers like Jason Griffith, who told a WVLT television reporter, "It's big fun. It's a little hot, but big fun. We just dig all these big trucks. That's what it's all about. I seen it on the Internet so I had to come check it out." Y'all can also hang out with Chloe Darragh, who is one of the resort's Mud Girls. As she said, "We got mud. We got dirt. We got everything — 4-wheelers, ATVs, people having a good ol' time." Another visitor, named Zach, told WVLT, "We're just having a good ol' time in East Tennessee playing in the mud."

I can see it now: all of those Haslam bashers sitting in the mud in their underwear drinking beer in the noonday sun and talking about "the gays." I love it when people refer to homosexuals as "the gays." They are usually the same ones who refer to immigrants as the "illegal aliens." I just wish they had referred to them as "the gays" in their official resolutions (yes, they drafted and passed these on taxpayers' dimes) condemning the governor. They also condemned Haslam because they claim they can no longer have confidence in him since he didn't sign the legislature's denouncement of Agenda 21, a 20-year-old United Nations planning document on sustainability that some claim is secretly a communist plot against America. Cripes, now they have to bring the communists into the mix of gays, Democrats, and Muslims. Y'all better hurry up to that mud hole and figger out a way to stop all this before Nashville turns into one great big gay, Muslim, Democrat, communist playground!

Oh, and this is one of my favorite parts of the resolutions: "WHEREAS, the action or actions of the Republican elected Governor of the Great State of Tennessee and his administration have demonstrated a consistent lack of conservative values and his administration's policies are worse than the actions of Kent Williams."

Did a third-grader mad at one of his classmates write this? I don't know what Kent Williams did to earn this kind of nasty mention, but it must have been much worse than hiring homosexuals, Muslims, and Democrats and not signing that Agenda 21 law, thereby officially supporting child molestation, Sharia law, and communism. He must have said something detrimental about the new Redneck Resort's swimmin' hole in Sweetwater. Only in Tennessee.

(And I take back what I wrote above about the Haslam bashers gathering at the Redneck Resort. It actually sounds like way too much fun.)

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