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The Rant

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I feel certain someone has probably already said or written this, but it looks like Clint Eastwood is off his rocker — an empty rocker with an invisible President Barack Obama. I didn't watch the GOP convention for fear that it would burn my eyes and soul out, but I did catch the snippet on the news of him "Eastwooding" and how the empty chair has its own Twitter account. So, so disturbing. I'm not sure what is more disturbing — him talking to the empty chair or the chair getting a Twitter account. If this was supposed to be their much-anticipated mystery guest wowing the crowd, it really makes me wonder what they were thinking. Oh, never mind. He did wow the crowd. Makes me wonder even more. I think he might need to lie down on a couch and talk to a real person.

I can't quite figure out what it is about Mitt Romney that makes him so, well, zombie-like. I know he's kind of stiff and can't tell jokes well, and I don't necessarily hold his Obama attacks against him, because that's just politics (although much of what he says about the president isn't true). But it's like he's an actor doing kind of a bad job of running for president. Even when he was telling those stories about his parents and beginning to choke up, it didn't seem quite right. In fact, it came off more like a campaign speech for his father than it did for himself. He's a likeable guy, but there's just something weird and Stepford-like about him. He drones on and on about how he is going to fix everything but he never says how, like we're suppose to just take him at his word. That may be because he doesn't have any specific ideas and maybe that will come out in the debates. I don't know. I will just have to worry about that tomorrow.

Today, I am worried about "Prune the Goon." Prune, in case you missed it, is the 19-year-old Memphis woman charged with pimping out underage girls and making them have sex for money and then taking the money. One victim said that Prune told her she would buy her school supplies if she would have sex for money. Yes, school supplies. All of this is horrible and I am not making light of it. I just want to know how she got the nickname Prune the Goon.

Excuse me. I have to go ask an empty chair if it knows how she got the name. Okay, I'm back. Chair didn't know. My den rug did tell me it was tired of being walked all over. My back door that sticks told me to shove it. One of my lamps told me it was really stressed out and needed to get lit. My leather ottoman told me to send it back to its empire. My birdcage said it wanted its own Twitter account so it could tweet. My mattress told me to stop feeding it because it was stuffed. My air conditioner never talks to me because it blows. One of my aluminum pans constantly laughs because it keeps getting roasted.

Okay, okay. Back to the zombies. I hate to keep harping on race, but does it not seem odd to anyone else to see that many white people and so blatantly few minorities at a convention that's designed to sell a candidate to run the United States? I had to shield my eyes a few times. And it was invitation-only! Very creepy to me for there to be almost zero diversity, but I guess most African Americans wouldn't have wanted to be there anyway. There I go generalizing.

And I wonder why they didn't have good ol' Sarah Palin as a speaker. The ratings for her vice presidential candidate acceptance speech were way higher than Paul Ryan's. And she could have talked to an empty chair covered in moose hair. Apparently, some of the American television viewing audience was more interested in TLC's new Here Comes Honey Boo Boo reality show, TLC's new spinoff of Toddlers and Tiaras starring 6-year-old Alana Thompson, a former beauty pageant contestant with a pet pig. People, we are living very, very scary times.

If you thought watching Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair while trying to promote somebody as the potential leader of the free world was weird and you haven't checked out Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, you haven't seen anything yet. If I were you, I'd stick with Clint and the zombies.

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