Opinion » The Rant

The Rant

Hostess, Texas Secession, and Other Relevant Topics



I'm not sure where I messed up. I thought the world was supposed to have come to an end in October. Now I read that it's supposed to happen on December 21, 2012, just shy of a month away. But I guess for some, it happened the other day when the Hostess company announced it was closing up shop and, alas, it would be the end of the Twinkie snack cake. With all due respect to the many Hostess employees here in Memphis and around the country, who might tragically lose their jobs (and I really mean that), is the country really so upset about the loss of a really unhealthy, chemical-filled, high-calorie, gross snack cake that they are ignoring everything else going on in the world?

Take President Obama giving the "gift" of life to the annual Thanksgiving presidentially spared turkeys. At first, I thought he was just out to get the turkey vote but then I remembered — ha, a ha, ha ha ha, a hahahahahaaha — he doesn't need the turkey vote, because he is already in his second and final term as president of the United States. Well, the United States as we know it.

It could be the United States Minus Texas if lots of old cowhands from the Rio Grande get their wish. In an actually serious, not a parody editorial in the Fort Worth Star Telegram "newspaper," the editorial board mentioned that more than 116,000 Texans had signed a petition to secede from the Union because of President Obama's reelection: "It's important to point out that some people are very serious about this," the paper added, "and they have every right to bring up the idea and talk about it."

They even quote Ron Paul as saying, "Secession is a deeply American principle. This country was born through secession. Some felt it was treasonous to secede from England, but those 'traitors' became our country's greatest patriots." Yeah, I know. It's Ron Paul being Ron Paul, but wouldn't it be fabulous if Texas did secede? Or at least the old white-men sections of it. The Latinos would have to be removed and sent to make new lives in normal states that don't vote people like Rick Perry in as their governor over and over, and the rest of Texas could just be on their own. Well, we might have to keep Austin to prevent losing SXSW and some pretty cool clubs and bands, but the rest? Float on away.

I think it's pretty telling that so many bloggers and other far-right crackpots are comparing Obama's reelection to the South losing the Civil War. One gay — oops, typo — I meant GUY named Kyle Becker (who writes for some organizations such as conservativedailynews.com, a truly surreal website that I urge you all to check out if you're unsure about the world coming to an end) recently posted an almost incoherent diatribe about how Republicans are now resigned to barely existing and no longer fighting the Democrats, sort of like the wandering, injured Confederate soldiers after they lost the war and carpetbaggers invaded the South to add insult to injury. My favorite thing about his column was this little passage: "I spent four years in the lonely trenches, doing my part with an enterprise somewhat like the CDN [Conservative Daily News]. I wrote scores upon scores of brilliant opinion pieces to fire up the troops. I put my heart into it, and in the end my heart was broken."

Somebody please pass this dude the crack pipe — or take it away from him. He's referring to his own ridiculous blogging as "brilliant opinion pieces" and now his heart is broken? I hope he lives in Texas, so he can have at least a glimmer of hope of breaking away from the Union (I love referring to the United States as "the Union").

I just hope he and the rest of the wounded Republican soldiers aren't so despondent that they can't muster up the wherewithal and energy to forget about Thanksgiving and indulge in Black Thursday and Black Friday, which, I'm sure, they would rather rename White Friday.

I am writing this before the big turkey day because of holiday deadlines and, as always at this time of year, I wish I could move to another country until January 2nd. If I see one more line of unwashed people camped out with tents and freeze-dried foodstuffs so they can be among the first throngs of lemmings to break down the doors of a Best Buy, WalMart, or Target to buy crap they don't need and go further into debt and then complain about the economy, I think I am going to individually secede from the Union.

I just hope once the Twinkies are all gone some company doesn't bring them back, because riots will happen on the day they make their return.

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