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The Rant

Tim Sampson is in love with Chris Christie, sort of.

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I think I have a man crush on Chris Christie. Yes, I know the New Jersey governor is a Republican and might be the next president if his lap-band weight-loss plan works out, but I love him. He's like the Ralph Kramden of politics.

Oh, I forgot. Probably 80 percent of you reading this have no idea who Ralph Kramden was. He was the hilarious bus driver played by Jackie Gleason on the hit television series The Honeymooners back when television first became a thing in almost every home. My gosh, it was in black and white even. Do any of you remember that? When Christie was being interviewed by David Letterman (who has relentlessly poked fun at his weight) and he pulled that donut out of his pocket and said he didn't know the interview was going to last so long — that was pure brilliance. I hope he came up with that on his own. And when he unabashedly gave Barack Obama props for his swift action after Hurricane Sandy for the world and the rest of the Republican Party to see, he proved that he's his own man and not like the rest of those lemmings who try to thwart every single one of the president's actions and blame everything bad that happens in the world on him. I'm just waiting for them to find a way to blame him for those three women being kidnapped and held hostage in that house in Cleveland, the explosion in West, Texas, and the return of the cicadas to the East Coast.

No, I don't want Christie to be the next president. I want that to be Hillary Clinton with Newark, New Jersey, mayor Cory Booker as vice president (can you imagine how cool that would be?). But if the Republican Party big dogs that are in power now don't do something to become more like Christie, they are going to stay smack where they are: in the dark. Not that I want them to shine and take over anything, but at least if more of them were like him the country would get out of the rut it's in and move into the future.

So I hope Christie's weight-loss surgery works, for health reasons if nothing else. I kind of like the way he looks now (I would love to see him bossing people around with a big cigar shoved in his mouth) and he carries himself well, but he probably does need the benefits of shedding a few pounds (as do I!). You never know. He might turn around and decide to be a Democrat and take revenge on those who dissed him for being friendly with Obama.

That, actually, would be pretty damn genius of him to do. He is a popular guy with a great sense of humor and sense of fairness and a level head and isn't afraid to speak his mind. And he's smart and doesn't drone on and on and on and on and on like that wretched Lindsey Graham or that lunatic in South Carolina — what's his name — Jim DeMint, who I guess resigned to go head up the brain-trust at the Heritage Foundation.

I'm no expert on politics, but I think Christie would do very well in the Democratic Party. I guess he would have to change some things about his philosophy since he is, after all, a Republican (I wonder why?) but he would probably be an easy convert. Can you imagine having that bulldog at Obama's side when all of the rest of the Republicans are trying to stalemate everything he does? Christie looks like he might not be below punching some people out to make things happen.

Better yet, let's get him converted to a Democrat without letting anyone know and get him to take over as president of the NRA. He would be a great infiltrator and get in there and smack some people around. And chasing all those nuts would be good exercise to help get some of that weight off.

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