The Rant

Randy turns over his column to half-wit anarchists and Tea-Partiers.

| October 10, 2013
Tea Party rally, 2013
Tea Party rally, 2013
- Mark Nassal |

My wife has informed me that I've been doing nothing but ranting and raving around the house over the ongoing government shutdown and the yellow rat bastards who created it, only the sole recipient of my eloquent fury has been her, and she's worn out.

Melody said, "I hate it when you do that!"

"Do what?" I innocently inquired.

"You know what you're doing. You're not talking to me. You're writing that thing and practicing it on me."

We've only been married 11 years. Melody should know by now that I would angrily soliloquize, "thing" or no, about these half-wit anarchists who have sold out our government for a pittance, gaining nothing. But she has suggested, for the benefit of my mental health and her own, that I should try to write something humorous, like I used to, before pridefully ignorant peckerwoods began dictating a Santa's list of demands before agreeing to fund the government.

I'd like to, but what's funny lately? PeePaw scaling the walls of the shuttered World War II Memorial in D.C.? Anyway, to please my wife, which is never unwise, I've decided to return to entertainment. So now, I would like to do one of my favorite political impressions that I'm forever being asked to do at parties: the angry Tea Party Republican. Ladies and gentlemen, with your permission, let me just strap my holster to my leg and present for your enjoyment that friend or relative we, particularly in the South, know only too well.

"Hey, bub, let me tell you one damn thing right off the jump. I don't consider myself one of those Tea Party crazies. I'm a conservative libertarian. All the polls show that the majority of real Americans don't want Obamacare because it was shoved down our throats by one political party. Obama is eager to destroy America and about half the country can see that. Lenin referred to American liberals as 'useful idiots.' Lenin used them, but he was disgusted by them. Nobody but liberals want to live under totalitarianism. The liberals want all power centralized in a world government. Then they can dismantle America at their leisure and institute any form of tyranny they want. Americans have become mindless, dependent sheep. They are so addicted to government handouts, they will believe anything to keep those out of office who will take away their freebies and make them work for a living. The less intelligent must receive unending subsidies and handouts provided by those who actually earn money. Obamacare is socialist legislation, passed along party lines as a gift for the country's first African-American president, because not supporting it means you are a racist. The whole deal is just another giveaway to people who refuse to be responsible for their own lives. I still believe he is not a citizen of the U.S.A. and he is trying to destroy America from within and create hate for the rich by playing on the poor. He is the worst president we ever had, but Americans have become too politically correct to handle the truth."

Laughing yet? Maybe a bit too harsh? You're right. It was probably too coherent for a Teabagger. Let me change my vocal inflection and give you my imitation of a right-wing, conspiratorial, doomsday prepper. Ahem ...

"Liberals don't do well under the light of truth. It makes it harder for them to fabricate their B.S. That's why they're for a censored media. Obama is nothing more than a hand puppet for the global oligarchs he serves. After Hillary is elected, we will be a third-world nation until we're absorbed into the coming totalitarian New World Order. Hillary Clinton in 2016 will be America's first female, Marxist, bisexual, necromancing president. The Bible says Satan is the father of all lies. Politics is satanic. The Democrats will blame Republicans if Obamacare turns out badly. It's just another theft of working people's money and giving it to the freeloaders. There ain't no free lunch. Just wait until the sale of your home will be taxed 3 percent to pay for Obamacare. Obama and the crooks he's surrounded himself with have carried their Chicago-style, thug politics too far. We are not yet to the point for the need for open rebellion, but we're heading that way. I hope you liberals like what's coming down the pike, because it's your heads that will be on a pike. See you in the gulags. Maybe then you'll listen."

Pretty far out, huh? I'm thinking of doing a one-man show if I can get corporate sponsorship. And if you think my rhetoric is much too radical for the mainstream, I must now tell you that I took all the above quotes directly from the "comments" section of my last several posts. And I didn't even include the personal attacks — wonderful statements like, "You are a very bad advertisement for the University of Memphis school of journalism. Anyone with a grain of sense can see that you are a small-time, deluded muckraker and a sorry joke of a yellow journalist."

Here's another dart: "You're the most prejudiced, one-sided, prevaricating commentator I've ever read. Stick to writing self-serving stories about yourself." Or, on the topic of race: "You brand anybody who disagrees with Obama a racist. You stereotype worst [sic] than any racist I have known. You are crazed over the issue of skin color. You are a virulent racist and an avid fan of baby murder."

And while we've broached the topic of women's reproductive rights: "Aren't you glad that your mother was pro-life — at least in your case? Good luck after you close your eyes for the last time, and that shouldn't be many years hence."

And my personal favorite: "When the Jews wipe out Iran and start looking for race traitors, you better hide under the bed."

It makes me wonder: Why should I labor so hard over these articles or fret about deadlines? This stuff practically writes itself. You've been great. Please tip your waitress — I'll be here all week.

Randy Haspel writes the "Born-Again Hippies" blog, where a version of this column first appeared.


Comments (13)

Showing 1-13 of 13

Boychik, pack your bags, I've got Branson on the line.

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Posted by CL Mullins on 10/10/2013 at 10:14 AM

What's funny is that while I don't agree with a lot of what you regurgitated, there's more truth in this column than anything I've EVER read of yours!

report 4 likes, 2 dislikes   
Posted by Oldfart on 10/11/2013 at 9:58 AM

Always great to read the rants! Keep it up!

report 0 likes, 2 dislikes   
Posted by Jay on 10/14/2013 at 6:53 AM

Oh, man! NAILED!!!
I wonder if it would cause any discomfort or uneasiness for a RWNJ to read this aloud.

report 0 likes, 1 dislike   
Posted by Susan Carney on 10/15/2013 at 6:07 AM

Derp!! Obama and the Senate Democrats chose to partially shutdown the government rather than treat everyone equally under the law.

report 13 likes, 3 dislikes   
Posted by Cousin Odinga on 10/15/2013 at 9:04 AM

So the Tea Party, all the conservatives in the South including those of a "libertarian" nature and all the conservative Congress-people are all half-wits just because they don't see eye to eye with you. Good luck with that. I heard today and happen to agree, that it's the Republican Party that is being held hostage. Been saying that since before the shutdown.

report 8 likes, 3 dislikes   
Posted by kath on 10/15/2013 at 2:20 PM


Politics and political stalemates like this are about finding the middle ground.

The Tea Party shouldn't have much of a voice in these types of settlements, because they are incapable of finding a middle ground. When you're too far right or too far left, you can't find a middle ground.

The Tea Party in the GOP equivalent of sending the Flyer staff to Washington and giving them a loud voice in the Senate, where the Dems have control. Nothing would get done, because they wouldn't be able to find ANY common ground with the right side of the aisle.

The way a situation like this SHOULD work is for the more moderate folks in both parties to come up with solutions and agreements that provide wins for both party bases with losses that are palatable for most of their party bases. Those on the far right and the far left typically walk away unhappy from these types of deals, but they typically just have to deal with it. The Tea Party has too big of a voice right now, and I'm hoping the conservative Big Business lobbies are successful in their efforts to get primary victories against many of the current Tea Party folks in office.

I typically vote the right side of the aisle, but I can recognize that the Tea Party faction of the GOP is the big hold up on these negotiations, and it's because ideologically, they are too far right to be able to find ANY middle ground with anyone who is even the slightest bit left.

If you are a Tea Partier yourself, then from your vantage point, it certainly looks like the other side is being unreasonable and is causing the hold up, but reality is, the extreme factions of either side of the aisle rarely get anything they want unless their party controls both the House and Senate AND the White House.

It takes two to have a stalemate, and the public reaction is telling the Tea Party exactly who they feel is to blame for not budging. When you don't have a party monopoly, the extremists have to take a seat and let the moderates get work done. That's just the way it goes.

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Posted by GroveReb84 on 10/15/2013 at 2:48 PM

You still sound much more intelligent than a Teabagger. Your spelling and grammar are correct.

report 0 likes, 7 dislikes   
Posted by Janet Abraham Kloville on 10/15/2013 at 3:13 PM

Why this is interesting. It seems as though everyone sees the truth somewhere as long as it agrees to their way of thinking. Yes, why settle for truths and facts when one has his/her own belief.

Take the ACA (Obamacare). Yes, it was a law passed by party line votes. Now, I want Kath or some other Tea Partier to tell me exactly what is wrong with that? Is it illegal? Does it violate the founding fathers constitution? As I remember, that party line vote was done by the party with the majority of the votes in both chambers ( senate and the house) which represented a majority of the electorate of the U. S. Am I correct? Further research into the way bills become law as stated by the founding fathers in the constitution said that there had to be a majority, simple majority, affirmatively voting for the bill. IT DIDN'T SAY THAT THE MAJORITY HAD TO BE COMPRISED OF THE SUPPORTERS AND THE OPPOSITION. Did any of you read anything different? On how the ACA became law, this, which I have wrote is the truth, fact, not what I think or what the party I support tell me to think. This is just cold hard fact. Feel free to dispute/refute this.

Raising the debt ceiling. What is it? When the U. S. borrows money, it is set with a payment schedule of how much interest and principle has to paid and when. Congress has the power to tax, spend and set the debt ceiling. The president does not have that power. He can disagree with what the congress has done and veto it, but with 2/3 of each chamber voting affirmatively, the law is passed over the president's objection and becomes law. The debt that we are talking about paying back has already been loaned, allocated and spent with the approval of congress. Raising the debt ceiling simply means that the U. S. Government is not taking in enough money to repay the debt that it has already lawfully made, allocated and spent. It simply gives the treasury department and executive branch the power to pay above a previously set spending limit to include borrowing, if necessary to keep meeting its obligation. This is not in the genuine scenario spending more. Why would the congress tell the president to borrow x amount of dollars and then tell him we are not going to authorize you to repay the loan? I am sure that is not the way responsible people act. are you a deadbeat, with resources to repay what you have borrowed and spent, but, even with the resources to do so, you refuse? Since raising the debt ceiling only entails paying on debts that have already been made, there should be no extraneous items attached to this bill? If you do not agree, why not? Fault? Kath and other Tea Partiers say it is the democrats fault and the democrats say it is the republicans fault. Fact; the U. S. Senate voted and passed a debt ceiling bill with no extra items attached. The senate's bill just said we will raise the debt ceiling to pay what we have already borrowed and spent, no strings attached. The republicans say now, but we will raise the debt ceiling if you defund a law that was lawfully passed and cleared by the U. S. Supreme Court. This extra added item to the bill had and has nothing what-so-ever to do with the debt. These are the cold hard facts. So, who is to blame?

Are the dems to blame because they passed a bill that would only raise the debt ceiling and keeping the U. S. from defaulting on its worldwide obligations for the first time in the nations history, or is it the gop who says, well we will ok to pay our debts and maintain our trustworthiness and integrity and keep the U. S. and the world from undergoing financial harm, but only if you agree to our demands, which, by the way had nothing to do with the past debt. The majority of Americans, a vast majority, seem to think that it is mostly the fault of the gop. but, I have given you the cold hard facts, now you tell me, if my facts are wrong and then tell me who is more, much more at fault, the dems or the gop?

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Posted by oldtimeplayer on 10/15/2013 at 7:58 PM

To all of you who hit the dislike button, you look rather silly now. President Obama and the democrats didn't cave. It is all over for the gop, right wing conservatives but the shouting. They walked out of the house with their heads between their legs. Hell, they couldn't even get enough votes from their on members to pass their own bill! The weak Speaker of the house called Senators Reid and McConnell and said that he would bring the senate bill to the house for a vote where it is sure to pass, albeit with mostly democratic votes. The gop didn't get one piece of their demands, but, they did throw the party in peril for the upcoming 2014 elections. They can forget taking over the senate, hell, their hands will be full trying to save their house majority.

You right wingers and Tea Partiers better start paying more attention to the majority of the electorate instead of just relying on your own picture that is in your back yard. Nationally, you are out of step with the mainstream of America. When are you going to realize it.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about the dislikes. The more of them I see, the more I know that I am right!

Yes, you people! Keep up the good work!

report 1 like, 10 dislikes   
Posted by oldtimeplayer on 10/16/2013 at 12:35 AM

Gop Kayoed! The gop not only surrendered but they are decimated. They got exactly none of their demands, none!

The majority of Americans, yes, nationally, not in this backwoods quarter, celebrated.

Now, the American electorate is probably going to clean house and throw out a lot of these rascals.

It is funny how silent you gopers in this area disappear when you lose a fight and what was right from the start hits you square in the face.

Watch out for 2014 and, of course 2016.

report 1 like, 4 dislikes   
Posted by oldtimeplayer on 10/16/2013 at 8:48 PM

That light at the end of the tunnel is the unfunded net liabilities train barreling this way. Arithmetic is the conductor. Whoo Whoo!

report 18 likes, 1 dislike   
Posted by Scott Walkup on 10/16/2013 at 11:32 PM

Scott Walkup

Real cute but untrue.

With the federal government, there are no net unfunded liabilities. As long as some of the richest corporation in the world that are here don't pay income taxes and as long as there are over 300 million Americans living here, all liabilities can be funded.

Social Security and Medicare; raise the Fica Taxes and remove the cap on earning taxed, repeal subsidies and tax breaks for large corporations, charge royalties for oil and minerals gotten off of federal lands and raise the income tax on wealthy individuals and cut the defense budget. Now, see how simple that is. For the individual, middle class, we are talking about less than 100 dollars a year or less.

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Posted by oldtimeplayer on 10/17/2013 at 12:00 AM
Showing 1-13 of 13

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