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The Rant

Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Thanksgiving, and Halloween

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Since the official publication date of this issue of the Flyer is October 31st — Halloween — I guess I should write about something spooky, like the idolatry of Ted Cruz going on down in Texas right now. Those Texans are welcoming him home from Washington, D.C., as some kind of hero, with big parties and rallies and parades. But I have arthritis in my right hand, and I don't want to spend energy giving him any ink whatsoever, because I think he is the most dangerous man in the United States, and those who idolize him are just as spooky, if not worse. I think the best thing to do is ignore them, like a scab you really want to pick but know it's only going to make it worse. So, nothing more about Ted and all those lemmings.

Even spookier is that — in some ways because of Ted — Sarah Palin is reemerging as a spokesperson for the Tea Party again. (I thought she and her family built a fort in Arizona or somewhere and were waiting for the end times with their guns and canned potted meat.) She recently wrote on her Facebook page: "We're going to shake things up in 2014. Rest well tonight, for soon we must focus on important House and Senate races. Let's start with Kentucky — which happens to be awfully close to South Carolina, Tennessee, and Mississippi — from sea to shining sea we will not give up. We've only just begun to fight."

Is she kidding? "Rest well tonight"? She sounds like the mother in The Bad Seed, just after she gave her evil daughter a lethal dose of sleeping pills. If you've never seen that movie, rent it for Halloween. It is well worth it. Not as scary as Ted and Sarah but much more interesting, and it won't make you vomit.

And why again with the geographical references? Why must she always talk about places that are close to each other? Alaska-Russia? Kentucky-Mississippi? She needs new handlers. And if she goes out on Halloween, she should just go as herself and hit a few gay bars (she and Ted can go Cruzin'), vegetarian restaurants, and Mensa meetings. She would scare the crap out of everyone. And she better stay away from Mississippi. I love Mississippi, and I won't have her darkening the door of that state, especially Clarksdale, one of the greatest cities on earth, especially now that former Mississippi gubernatorial candidate and Morgan Freeman Ground Zero Blues Club partner Bill Luckett is Clarksdale's mayor. On second thought, let her go down there and try to show her ass and see what happens to her. I would love to see Mayor Luckett's reaction to her visit.

And even spookier than her new role of endorsing Tea Party candidates to defeat regular Republicans is the fact that part of her 2013 coming-out road trip is to promote her new Christmas-themed book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, which comes out next month. Can you dare to imagine how sickening that's going to be? I am shuddering as I write.

She recently said about the book, "This will be a fun, festive, thought-provoking book, which will encourage all to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our faith and ignore the politically correct Scrooges who would rather take Christ out of Christmas." While I do agree with her that Christmas has been over-commercialized, do any of you see anything remotely resembling "fun" and "festive" about that statement? I think in the book she recounts stories about her family Christmases past while growing up wherever she was bred. Shiver.

If there are two things in this world that give me tormenting rectal itch, they are Sarah Palin and Christmas. Don't care for either one.

I don't really like Halloween either, save for occasionally wrapping ice cubes in aluminum foil and dropping them in the little over-sugared kids' baskets. And don't get me started on adults who find it necessary to dress up for the night. Have you ever noticed that the adults who dress up for Halloween are all knee-crawling drunk halfway through the night? Can't they just go out and get hammered in their normal clothes? It's embarrassing. And please don't bring any children to my door tonight looking for a handout of food that is terrible for you. I also can't stand candy of any kind. Basically, I am old and mean and deserve to be able to be so if I choose. I've lived through way too many holiday horrors to have to subject myself to more if I don't have to. That said, I do love Thanksgiving, so I'm not all that bad.

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