By now it's common knowledge that State Senator John Ford and his wife Tamara Mitchell-Ford have been caught using the state's FedEx number for placing catalog orders to J. Crew and Neiman Marcus, sending packages to family members, shipping information to out-of-state trial lawyers, and so forth. Ford, being no stranger to controversy, has since issued a rather windy apology for his actions. Since we here at Fly on the Wall know that time is a valuable commodity, we have constructed a helpful, one-sentence paraphrase of the senator's contrite confession. It goes something like this: At the request of Mayor A.C. Wharton, and to prove to the voters of Memphis that I, the great and powerful John Ford, in spite of my reputation for controversy, am really an ultra-honest man of unquestionable integrity, promise to open up my personal checkbook and pay for all those things I never would have paid for myself had I not been caught filching them at the taxpayers' expense.