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Tim Sampson's Rant


I realize that this may seem callous at a time like this, and believe me, I am feeling the effects of it too, but I would like nothing more than to go for just a few days without reading about, seeing news stories about, talking about, or even mentioning "the economy."

First of all, I've never been driven by money, so I've never really had any and I don't understand how it all works. I don't understand why AIG is getting another big batch of bailout billions when they seem to have spent a decent-sized portion of their last wad of cash on lavish corporate getaways with fine wine, massages, and hotel rooms that cost more by the night than my monthly mortgage note. I'm sure I could read enough about it to figure it out, or at least to get fairly pissed off, but I don't even want to know at this point. I don't understand how Bill Clinton could have left office with a healthy surplus in the reserves and now, after eight years of the Bush regime, there's not only nothing left but there's also this massive debt and many in the Republican Party are blaming it on the Democrats.

Who cares whose fault it is? It's done. We're toast for now. Or at least that's what many of us will be considering a major food group until things get better. What makes me a little bit nuts is to have seen those holiday stampedes at Wal-Mart and Circuit City and Best Buy and stores like them, with throngs of people knocking each other down to get to the latest video game or Play-Station or iPod or iPhone or whatever, and then bitch about being broke. Why weren't they stampeding the "everything's-a-dollar" section at Piggly Wiggly and feeding their families?

I say, this is all Ann Coulter's fault. I think Coulter is the antichrist and that she has come from another planet to drain our collective intelligence and turn us into strange robots, like herself. I thought maybe she had decided to leave Earth and stay on her own planet while the presidential election was going on, because she was nowhere in sight, but then she came back through the Star Gate somewhere and reemerged. I first saw her on a talk show on which she refused to refer to President Obama as anything other than "Barack Hussein Obama," trying to connect him in some pathetic way to Saddam Hussein. Of course, she was just hawking her latest piece-of-crap book that people will go buy instead of buying food and then bitch about being broke.

But at least she hasn't lost her keen sense of humor! While Rush Limbaugh may have been the headliner at last week's big Conservative Political Action Conference (go to that group's website and try to find a minority face!), it seems that Longneck Ann gave a little speech of her own and had the crowd just a-chuckling. And I have found THE greatest review of it imaginable. It's from a lawyer named Tommy De Seno, who also has a newspaper column named JUSTIFIED RIGHT (yeah, he uses all caps) but, according to his bio, he "still finds time to walk about the City by the Sea debating, and proving wrong, all sorts of IQ-challenged political pee-wees such as Dummycrats, Green Party Pansies, and the dimmest left-wingers on God’s earth — Secular Humanists." This guy is fabulous. He fancies himself as "the last scion of conservative thinking in Asbury Park, New Jersey, and the only person there brave enough to challenge Asbury's favorite son, Bruce Springsteen, on his 'Born to Cut and Run' political views."

I don't want to shame the guy for what he believes in, even if he thinks people who care about the environment are IQ-challenged. He has a right to his opinions. But his newspaper column? Oh, dear. Here is just a sample of one that he wrote about Coulter's performance at the White Convention:

"Ann Coulter is the funniest woman on the planet. I don't know why the media always paint her as the toughest man on the planet. No one is better at putting funnies into serious stories." Yes, the man used the word "funnies." And it gets even better: "She started right in against the liberal media, telling the crowd that every host at MSNBC went to the 'alternative prom' in high school. The crowd cracked up, and the jokes and laughter grew from there."

Good Lord, how I wish I would have been there to laugh at that hilarious "funny." I'm almost wetting my pants right now laughing at how clever she is. And at what a good and insightful writer Mr. De Seno is. Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahaha. "Alternative Prom." That is a real knee-slapper. Very original. There’s some more funnies about bed-wetting and such ("only Coulter can get away with that!") and De Seno observes all of her zingers with great zest. Oh, and he is now offering himself up for "appearances" on his web site, justifiedright.typepad.com.

I do wish someone would book him to come to Memphis and maybe bring Coulter along with him so they could play off each other. And if the economy, which we won't mention any more, is any worse by then, maybe they can eat each other. n

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