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TRANSLATION: MEMPHIS

TRANSLATION: MEMPHIS

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MAZE EN COURS! Are you corny? Are you looking for a good time? Do you have $7? If you answered yes to all three of these questions, you won’t be getting an hour with a call girl without spell-check. But you should go check out the Corn Maze nestled behind the Agricenter at the intersection of Walnut Grove and Germantown Road. The “Maize,” as it’s called, offers up about 3 acres of fun, confusion, and of course, corn. Lots and lots of corn. Corn stalks as far as the eye can see. A cornucopia of fun, as a friend of mine said. Fun, puns, maize, and a maze. OK, I’ll stop. Ever since my Funhouse days at the Jersey Shore I’ve always loved getting lost. This here is probably about the safest place in town to do so. Crafted “Memphis style” in the likeness of Elvis, the attraction is the creation of the world’s largest corn maze company, which boasts at having attracted about 2 million people to their mazes nationwide since 1996. And you thought there were no jobs out there for those offbeat creative types! The maze runs now through October 31st, and is open from 4 PM to 10 PM Wednesday through Friday, from 10 to 10 on Saturday, and from 1 PM to 8 PM on Sunday. But really, you should try to go at night, because you will get lost. And getting lost when the sun is bearing down like a tyrant probably isn’t quite as enjoyable. Besides, it’s spookier that way. Ever arrogant, I feared that I, divine navigator, would find my way through the twisting stalks in no time and feel cheated out of my $7. Two hours later I felt much better about the whole thing. Plus, being lost in the symbolic likeness of the King, you can play the guess where I am in Elvis game. As you round a turn, are you in his left sideburn? Or is it his puckered lower lip? His well-oiled pompadour? Oh, the possibilities are endless. I’m not entirely sure which part of Mr. Presley serves as the exit, but we don’t really need to think about that. There are some rules now, prohibiting things like smoking or running through the maze with a machete. But, I’d say that’s fair. Flashlights are allowed if you brave the paths during the evening hours, but I’d say leave them at home. If, for some reason, you just can’t find your way out of the damn thing (sort of like how I felt once when driving across Iowa) there are heroic yellow-clad “Corn Cops” on hand who will come to the rescue. But you do get some hints along the way. Ten of them to be exact, in the form of multiple-choice questions that will point you right or left depending upon whether you get them right. I mean correct. But I’m not going to spoil the fun and give you the answers. Good luck!

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