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WE RECOMMEND (THE GORY PART)

WE RECOMMEND (THE GORY PART)

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Last weekend, when “Scary Larry,” as he is known in his neck of the woods, fell off the picnic table into a pile of rocks and then took me four-wheeling through the steep trails of the Catskill Mountains to show me the elves he had hand-carved in his trailer ... well, there’s not much more to it than that, but I had to say at least that much, since it was such a nice slice of Americana. And you know, just when you think America is the world’s most civilized country (some of you, that is; I am not among that group), great stuff happens to make us look like a bunch of clowns. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. My favorite story now, though a bit sad, is the one about the toothless former stripper who was befriended 10 years ago by Robert Hanssen, the FBI agent who was arrested in February for spying and compromising United States intelligence. This was before George W. Bush was in office, so there’s no threat of that now, of course. Unless someone uncovers the fact that Bush probably intends to clear all the lumber from Yellowstone National Park so workers can see more easily while traveling through on their way to turn Washington State into an oil refinery. But back to the toothless stripper. According to her, Hanssen was merely trying to bring her closer to God-- by giving her cash, trips, diamonds, and a Mercedes. (Why does this kind of thing never happen to me? For a million bucks, I’d be at Bellevue Baptist listening to Adrian Rogers’ drivel every day!) Unfortunately, it didn’t do her much good because she hocked all the gifts and spent the money on crack. So there you go. And now I’m tired of writing about that. Speaking of civilized, now we finally have a governor who wants to legalize marijuana. New Mexico’s Governor Gary Johnson, a former handyman, has gone public with his support of legalizing pot, recently appearing at a convention where people were wearing T-shirts depicting the Cat in the Hat smoking a bong. Said he used to smoke pot all the time and loved it but quit because, he says, “the more you use it, the less you get out of it.” Don’t quite understand that one, unless he’s talking about the old tolerance-level thing. Anyway, the dude came out with all this a few years ago, really pissing off then-federal drug czar Barry McCaffrey, who started calling the governor “Puff Daddy Johnson.” See? America. You gotta love it.

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