Bianca Helps a Troubled Couple


Dear Bianca,

My husband and I almost got a divorce earlier this year over some mistakes he'd made in the past. Even though it'd been ages since he'd cheated, I was never been able to fully trust him again.

After years of dealing with that, we decided to split, but I couldn't get rid of him. We shared a house and couldn't decide who should get it, so we just lived together despite our divorce plans.

Soon, we were getting along again -- and having better sex than we'd ever had. I think the fear of losing one another made our relationship (or lack thereof) stronger. Now a year has gone by and we're still not divorced, but we've never really called off the possibility. Our relationship has improved dramatically.

He's taken an interest in my hobbies, my friends, and my life in general. I'm guessing we ought to call off the divorce at this point, but my friends think I'm crazy. They say I need to leave him because of his past mistakes. I'm also worried that if the fear of relationship loss isn't a part of our marriage, he'll fall back into his old ways. What should I do?

-- Stuck But Okay With It

Dear Stuck,

There's one question that you have to ask yourself: Are you happy? If so, screw your friends (and be glad that your man isn't screwing them anymore). Stay together and continue to work it out.

But if there's any doubt in your mind that your husband will remain faithful, you need to seriously evaluate the situation. You said that years after he cheated, you still weren't able to trust him. So what's different now that you're still kind of unofficially broken up?

Perhaps the reason your marriage got better under the threat of divorce was the thrill of sleeping with someone who you've got no ties to. You believed the relationship was ending and had to make the best of what of you had while it was still available. Maybe he suddenly took an interest in your life in a desperate attempt to win you back.

It's not exactly the picture of a healthy marriage. But since a year has gone by since you threatened divorce and you still seem happy with this situation, maybe dysfunction works for you two.

I'd suggest calling off the divorce for a trial period (don't tell him it's a trial though) to see how things work when that threat is gone. If you find that your faith in him has been restored and he sticks to his interest in your life, maybe it was meant to be. If not, dump him and move on.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca.

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