County Resident Wouldn’t Live in City if You Paid him



Seymour Mantiddi
  • Seymour Mantiddi
Seymour Mantiddi, a loud and proud Shelby County resident says he can't imagine why anybody would live inside the Memphis city limits, where everybody is a criminal, teachers especially.

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” says Mantiddi, a former neologistics specialist who currently operates an ill-defined internet business from his home in the never-completed Knightwood subdivision near Eads, TN.

“You couldn’t pay me enough to live in Memphis,” Mantiddi insists, and recent history suggests he’s not kidding.

“It’s true,” says Hammertow Neologistics CEO Ted Pickens, Mantiddi's most recent employer.

“I wanted him to take over more responsibility, and made one helluva good offer,” Pickens says. “But, in our line of work you sometimes need to be in the office at a moment's notice. He was great and all, but that’s a pretty big commute, so I said it might be better if he lived in the city, and that's when he got all red, and yelled out something about 'President Osama,' and he quit right there on the spot.

“It’s not like I said he had to move, it was only a suggestion," says Pickens who deeply regrets having opened his mouth in the first place.

"I don’t know what kind of fool you people take me for,” Mantiddi says, claiming to possess “rock solid proof” that everybody who lives in Memphis is addicted to drugs

“For starters, they live in Memphis,” he says adding that he follows many members of the local news media on Twitter and is keenly aware of “what goes down in that hellhole.”

When asked to name the top three reasons why nobody can pay him enough to live in Memphis Mantiddi says he can do even better.

“I’ll give you one reason,” he says. “Because nobody wants to live there. And nothing they do works.”


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