Scientists: Memphis Soon to Become Infinite Vortex of Cupcake Bakeries



A black hole waiting to happen?
  • A black hole waiting to happen?
MIDTOWN—An emergency assembly of the city’s top scientists from various disciplines has concluded that, at the current rate of increase, every Memphian will find themselves inhabiting or operating boutique bakeries within a year. It is predicted that shortly thereafter, the density of confectionaries will become so great that the city will collapse into a sugary singularity.

“Our state government has become a champion of deregulation and free market enterprise at the worst possible time,” warned economist Greely Lester. “People are clamoring for new places to feast on artisan desserts with such fervor that these businesses are practically opening themselves.”

The conclave of Memphis’ greatest minds made their announcement in front of the long abandoned Sears Crosstown building, a million square-foot structure that, according to physicist Tyson Orvelius, may eventually house what he and his colleagues are calling the Super Cupcake, a bakery/coffee shop capable of serving thousands of customers in a single day.

“Mmphmm mmm mph,” Dr. Orvelius opined, waving his hands in the direction of a projected diagram, and gorging himself on a chocolate mint supreme from Muddy’s Bake Shop.

Locals seemed unperturbed by the news. Bartlett resident Larry “Bird” Flynt voiced his approval while his wife protected their prize purchase: a twenty pound behemoth called the Orange Mound of Cake. “I can’t wait to try out all the new shops! We’re on our way to I Have a Buttercream at the Civil Rights Museum.”

The National Weather Service has already released reports of increased seismological activity, and estimate that the Bluff City has sunk 50 feet in elevation. When the think tank attempted to present their findings to the City Council, they were dismayed to learn that the seat of government had recently shut down and reopened as Boss Crumbs.

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