“We are so excited for this new direction we are taking with our properties,” said BSDCOF spokesperson Harrison Gunderson. “Once we get our perfectly fine second location up and running, we have some dramatic renovations planned for Old Beale as well. We hope to make it a living history museum by restoring the buildings and general demeanor to standards of the Old South.”
“We’ll even get to use some real historical memorabilia that my family’s had hidden in the basement for reasons I don’t need to get into,” Gunderson added, proudly holding a sign partially obscured by ash and dirt that read “W TES LY”.
Prospective Old Beale Street patrons will be randomly stopped and frisked by officers based on a proprietary formula, and subsequently undergo a credit check before entering the property. Those deemed unworthy or unable to afford Old Beale Street will be bused to the "new downtown location" for more suitable frivolity.
Asked whether New Beale would maintain the same police presence afforded to Old Beale, the BSDCOF team stared incredulously at reporters, before leaving the podium without comment.
New Beale is located in Frayser, just around the corner from Captain D's.
In related news, never mind.
Robert Callahan is an expatriate Wise Guy living in Chicago, and a frequent Fly on the Wall contributor.