A microscopic view of Tennessee's legislature-shaped growth.
Tragedy struck this week, as the US Surgeon General
that the mass growing in the greater Nashville
region was, in fact, cancer of the state Legislature, and that its current insurance plan would not cover any sort of invasive surgery to remove it.
“This is one of the most aggressive, repugnant tumors I’ve ever seen,” said the Surgeon General. “It has already spread to the Judiciary
and state Constitution
, and is eyeing the Executive
as we speak. God, I wish we could have caught it sooner.”
One of the so-called “marginally poor” states, Tennessee generates barely enough revenue to disqualify itself from federally guaranteed health care coverage, but lives paycheck-to-paycheck, considering health care to be an unaffordable luxury.
Functional state legislatures are a vital organ of the state, regulating many of the industries and practices that comprise a reasonable modern government. Friends and family of Tennessee urged it to seek medical attention when the legislature developed abnormally high concentrations of guns and regressive taxes, but after years of ignoring the problem, the situation appears dire.
“This cancer has grown unchecked for years, and it appears to be self-funding at present,” the Surgeon General explained, “without treatment I’d give you two years before you experience total public school shut down.”
Doctors recommended the state begin immediate radiation therapy, with debate raging on as to whether the Legislature should be defined as a living person and protected from destruction.
Tennessee has set up a GoFundMe to help defray the cost of medical bills.
Robert Callahan is a Memphian living in Chicago, Wiseguy, and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall.