Midtown Woman Furious MPD Won’t Find Her Glasses

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Cute, right?
  • Cute, right?
Crosstown — Ariya Mann says someone has stolen her new bifocals and the Memphis Police Department won’t even take her report.

“It's shocking,' Mann said. "They just look at me and laugh. Right in my face. They tell me to go home and look in the mirror and things like that. One officer even had the audacity to say, ‘Miss Mann, nobody’s stolen your glasses,’ when I know full well that they did. Because I know I put them down on the coffee table in the living room and they’re not there now. What else could have possibly happened?”

Mann says she suspects gang activity. The glasses, she explains, were only a month old, but the $68 Kate Spade frames have a vintage 1950’s look. “They're so adorbs,” She said, pulling up a photo on Google images, and adding that she's not usually the type of person who just goes around saying "adorbs."

Mann, who appeared to be wearing a pair of Kate Spade glasses pushed up high on her head at the time of this interview, claims to have lost all faith in local law enforcement.


“You know, I wasn’t even going to call the police until I heard the news report about how they found Sir Elton John’s glasses when they were stolen from the Rock and Soul Museum last week,” Mann said. “I know I’m just an ordinary person. I never even wrote one version of ‘Candle in the Wind,’ let alone two versions. But I certainly didn’t expect to be treated like a crazy person.”

When asked if the glasses on top of her head might indeed be the missing pair Mann became embarrassed. “Well, look at that,” she said, laughing at herself. “I guess this one’s on me.

“There’s still the matter of my pickup truck that was stolen in 1996,” Mann concluded, adjusting her recovered spectacles. “That’s way bigger than any old Rocket Man glasses, and the police never found that either. I'm not sure they even tried.”


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