After much prayer and reflection, and with the counsel of my friends, family, and rabbi, I hereby announce my candidacy for the Republican nomination for president of the United States.
And why not? Everybody else and George Bush's brother is running, so I figure I have at least as good a chance as half the field of already declared candidates — and I'm not under federal indictment. You can't say as much for Governors Chris Christie, Rick Perry, and Scott Walker. Federal and state prosecutors continue to investigate Christie for his role in the "Bridgegate" scandal, as rumors of an email trail that implicate the governor have surfaced.
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Perry is potentially facing 109 years for two counts of felony abuse of power after attempting to coerce a district attorney to resign. So far, Perry's efforts to have the charges dismissed have been denied twice by Republican judges.
Wisconsin prosecutors accuse Governor Walker of being part of a "wide-ranging scheme" of illegal fund-raising.
The same accusations have recently arisen over Governor Jeb Bush's coy "I'm not yet a candidate" scam. After Bush declares, he can no longer personally ask for money, yet he's acting like a candidate who's using the asinine Citizens United decision to try and purchase the presidency. There's an obvious joke about the White House vs. the Big House in here somewhere.
I've avoided politics ever since high school student government associations, but last night, I had a dream in which the Archangel Gabriel whispered in my ear that it was my destiny to be president. Of course, Ted Cruz's traveling preacher dad said that God told him the same thing about his boy, so someone is confused here.
In fact, several people are confused about the Almighty's participation in American politics. Cruz said, "God isn't done with America yet. That is why ... I am running for president." But Perry said, "I truly believe with all my heart that God has put me in this place at this time to do his will." Actually, Perry said that in 2012, so you'd think he'd get the hint. Dr. Ben Carson said, "I feel [the] fingers" of God, which he interpreted as the Almighty prodding his candidacy. Walker said, "We [I] want to make sure that, not only are we [I] hearing from the people, but we [I] want to discern that this is God's calling." Marco Rubio attends a fundamentalist mega-church that demands employees sign a declaration stating that they've never been in a gay relationship, and he goes to Catholic mass on Sundays, covering all his bases. And this is to say nothing of religious zealots Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee.
Either all these people are lying or insane, or God is goofing on the Republican candidates. Say what you will about Hillary, at least she never declared the Deity's blessing was upon her. I, however, have been blessed by the order of Christian Brothers, Reverend Tom Patton, Rabbi James Wax, a Hindu "saint" in India, and a Muslim cleric in Israel. Now, who's best qualified?
Since a handful of billionaires now own American politics, all you need to stay in the race is to find one to back you. Casino magnate Sheldon Adelson is leaning toward Rubio. Santorum is backed, for the second time, by mutual-fund zillionaire Foster Friess. The Koch oil barons tipped their greasy hands to Walker long ago. And Bush is backed by Woody Johnson, heir to the Johnson & Johnson company.
This is more exciting than the Belmont Stakes. They often call politics a "horse race," but in this case, each candidate has his own jockey. Mere millionaires are whining for access, while former Philadelphia Eagles owner Norman Braman is planning to spend between 10 and 25 million "Washingtons" on Rubio alone. I'm certain that Hillary's war chest will overflow as well, but who have the Democrats got? Communists like George Soros or hedge-fund magnate Tom Steyer, whose tree-hugging causes fund radical-leftist politicians. If I can just convince one patriotic billionaire that I hate Obamacare but love Israel, I could take this all the way to the GOP convention.
I could also raise a lot of untraceable money along the way, which begs the question (or maybe answers it): Why are so many guaranteed losers running for president? Why are George Pataki, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, John Kasich, and Donald Trump even running?
Trump is obviously a vanity candidate who does it for his ego and to promote The Apprentice, the most wonderful show that's ever been on television. A few claim that they are in the race to promote certain views, like Santorum's theory that America is under attack by Satan. The rest are auditioning for lucrative commentator chairs on Fox News or perhaps their own radio show or book deal. Some are jockeying for a future cabinet position in a fantasy Republican administration.
But mostly, it's this endless funnel of dark money that bankrolls ideological figureheads for more sinister concerns. Since no one is accountable, who's counting? Now that the mob has been chased out of Las Vegas, politics is the new skim. If a dollar is missing here or there, who's to know?
Which is why I am unveiling my own Ultra-Conservative, Pro-Gun, God-Fearing Super-PAC: the UCPGGF. And I am asking you for pledges of just a few dollars a day to support my campaign to stop immigration, restore God to the classroom, end taxes, and return this great nation to its rightful owners, the Inuit.