A couple weeks ago, I was sitting at the bar in my neighborhood bistro eating a Lyonnaise salad. They use Benton's smoked bacon in their salad, and it's delicious. I raved about it to the bartender, and the restaurant owner, who happened to be sitting nearby, overheard me. He told me I could order it online.
I'd had just enough wine to decide that ordering some bacon sounded like something I needed to do. I Googled Benton smoked bacon, found the website, and began trying to order it on my phone. After a couple false starts, I managed to type in my address, phone number, and credit card number. It took a while, I admit, but it was dark in there. I ordered a couple of pounds, or so I thought. Three days later, 12 pounds of bacon showed up in a savory smelling box on my front porch. Oops.
When I went back to the restaurant a week or so later, a cook came out and gave me a five-pound bag of bacon. She said it was from Glen, the owner, because he was pretty sure I'd never gotten through to Benton Farms on my phone that night.
Wrongo, mon ami! Thanks to his generous gesture, I'd pretty much cornered the local market on Benton Smoked Bacon.
A couple days later, the Internet was filled with news of a World Health Organization story that eating bacon and other processed meats increases the risk of cancer. So I got that goin' for me.
But at least I didn't steal 50,000 empty Pancho's Cheese Dip containers, like that schmo over in West Memphis. It's hard to imagine a more stupid thing to steal. What was he going to do with 50,000 empty plastic cups that say "Pancho's Cheese Dip"? Sell them in the want ads? How does that work?
For Sale: 50,000 empty Pancho's dip cups, valued at $70,000. Will take $6.00, OBO.
Less than 24 hours after stealing the cups, the thief returned the booty, claiming it was a "mistake." No kidding.
And at least I didn't decide that slow-talkin' brain surgeon Ben Carson would be the best candidate for president, like Iowa GOP voters did. It's true. Carson moved into the lead, ahead of Donald Trump, in the Iowa polls, proving that Iowa Republicans are not rocket scientists. Not that they have much to choose from.
All this came on the heels of the 11-hour campaign ad that the GOP House Select Committee on Benghazi gave to Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton by ineptly "grilling" her on national television. It got so bad that even Fox News switched over to other programming.
It's been a tough week for bacon lovers, dumb thieves, and the GOP. But there's another Republican debate coming up in a couple days, and I can't wait. I just need to find some cheese dip.