HOLY MATRIMONY, BATMAN! Theyre here, theyre married queers, get used to it. Plus: a Makeover in the Whitehouse, Why are Deaniacs so damn ignorant? And More. Presidential Makeover Bush would rather be called stupid than called, a liar Have you heard about the Republican think tank that invented a robot so lifelike it even sweats like a pig? White House Press secretary Robo-Scott McClellen took it in the mechanical keester last Wednesday when the press hammered him about the Presidents disavowal of the job-creation numbers in his annual economic report. The president originally predicted 2.6 million new jobs by the end of 2004. Since growth in the American job market has come to something like a grinding halt, that figure was pie-in-the-sky by anyones estimation. But heres the crazy thing about it: This is not an administration given to backing away from an overly optimistic interpretations of the facts. Mission accomplished, anyone? When asked repeatedly why the president wouldnt stand by his numbers Secretary McClellan, the mouth without a conscious, eventually offered this most revealing response yet, Let me be very clear here, he said. This President is focused on what we are doing to create as robust an environment as possible for job creation -- not in crunching numbers. The last time we checked, the science of economics was largely about crunching numbers. In fact, even the art of economics which, thanks to the ENRON debacle, has fallen out of favor, is STILL all about crunching numbers, if creatively. So what is old weeble-headed Robo-Scott saying here? Has the president totally abandoned all traditional avenues of economics and begun to explore the divine possibilities of faith-based economics? [The President is] looking at the actual numbers that are coming in, the actual numbers that are being created, Robo-Scott elaborates. Not too reassuring in light of this administrations less-that-flattering mathematical track record. Youve got to know that is the same Oops, I did it again-bunch that keeps forgetting to factor the cost of our WARS abroad into the national budget. And they sure dont know diddly about predicting job growth. Heck, in December of 2003 they predicted an increase of 150,000 to 200, 000 new jobs. Only 1000 jobs were created. Only 1000. [The President is] looking to make sure we're doing everything we can to keep our economy moving in the right direction and create more jobs, Robo-Scott concludes. Hes still given no answer to the big question: What job growth numbers will the President stand by? But his message comes through loud and clear. This is a brand new George W. Bush we are dealing with. Going into this new election cycle the now-unpopular President must address his growing credibility problems. He can not, and will not stand by numbers that are not accurate in his admittedly uneducated opinion. He is not a liar. America wont reelect a liar. They might reelect an honest idiot, but not a goddamn liar. The Queendom of FudgePackistan Or Queer Eye of the Tiger, Or Security Level: Pink Or better still, Middle America tells them damn gays, Go the hell back to where you came from! In every dive bar in America you can hear some variation on this theme. You can hear it tonight. This afternoon. No matter where you live you can probably find some drunk at a bar watching CNN with the sound turned down. Hes just reading the ticker, looking at the pretty pictures, drinking and thinking. I aint against them gays, he says, and he means it. He doesnt want anything to do with them gays, of course, and he just might have to jack some gay-ass jaw if he ever caught one of them gay-ass-gays looking all gay at his pecker and shit. But otherwise, hes down. Still, you have got to draw the line some damn where, the old rummy continues. Marriage is an institution that exists between a man and a woman. Thats how its worked for centuries, and if it aint broke, dont fix it, he says. Maybe he talks about the Bible. Maybe he doesnt. And if theyve got to have something that gives them the same rights as married couples, he declares at last, thats fine by me. But just dont try to call it marriage. I aint against them gays, he says, sucking down the dregs of his longneck bottle. I swear to god I aint got no business in anybodies bedroom but my own. But you just got to draw the line some damn where. Youve got to draw the goddamn line. This is not the voice of winger. Its Joe Democrat. A blue-collar guy, most likely, but maybe not. He sure doesnt read The New Yorker, or Vanity Fair. Hes a little more progressive than his neighbor, but that guy paints himself up like an American flag and goes out screaming obscenities at foreign cars with an Anybody but Bush bumper sticker. So that doesnt mean a whole helluva lot. His, I am sad to report, is the general sentiment of Middle America as supported by various national polls. Even as gays are finally making their big break into mainstream culture, the new Jim Crowe laws are being constructed. If gay marriage is banned by way of an amendment to the United States Constitution, homosexuals will thereafter be recognized by our legal system as a class of people who are separate, but equal. And perhaps not even equal. The public record will show that a significant majority of the American people, Democrat and Republican alike thought that this was a pretty good thing, in the be-all. But dont start folding up that Rainbow flag just yet. A Gallup poll from 1958 shows that 94 to 96% of all white people were opposed to interracial marriage. The poll was conducted the same year Richard Loving, a honky, was arrested for marrying the no-account darkie Mildred Jeter. The felony charge carried a five-year sentence, and the Virginia court found that Loving and Jeeters marriage was indeed a crime, not only against the state, but also against nature. Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, the verdict read. He placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The facts that he separated the races show that he did not intend for the races to mix. According to the Gallup poll, the American people thought this was probably a good thing. Is any of this starting to sound familiar? Nine years after their arrest, the Supreme Court ruled in Loving vs. Virginia, that laws against interracial marriage were unconstitutional. The world didnt end. Civilization didnt crumble. God didnt visit plagues down on his chosen white people. And everybody who wasnt certifiably nuts to begin with got over it. Eventually, anyway. Now we are looking at 1958 all over again. Only this year, 2004, is an election year. Gay marriage, which strikes a sour chord with not only the religious Right, but also the religious Center, is shaping up to be a big campaign issue in the Presidential election. No doubt the G.O.P. hopes it will become a wedge issue, shifting the focus off of Bushs problems in Iraq, and away from the sluggish American economy. They hope it will fire up the Presidents conservative base, and win over Soccer moms and swing-voters. Liberals are wringing their hands because they know there are plenty of Democrats who balk at the combination of the words, gay, and marriage. The libs fear that this issue could blow up in their face, erode their base, and give George W. Bush four more years in the White House. Both groups are wrong. The only Americans who really care what is going on in their neighbors bedrooms are going to vote for the party of John Ashcroft no matter what. And since that giant creep even gives a lot of old-school Republicans the heebie-jeebies, you can pretty much assume that this aforementioned group, while sizeable, is not the majority. Most folks know, or at least senses that that gay marriage will have no real impact on the way they live their lives. It may impact the way they vote, but they arent sure. They know that the availability of jobs in America, does impact their lives. They know that not getting a raise for four years, while watching bills soar affects their lives. They know that underfunded education programs affect their childrens lives far more than the marriage of Adam and Steve. If anything, the gay marriage movement is a big burst of love and sunshine in an otherwise gloomy world where old AWOL soldiers send young men to die for no good reasons at all. Gay marriage is not a losing issue for the Democrats. And, in the end, everybody loves a wedding. I said, in the end. Quick Hit Are the Deaniacs losing their freaking minds? When he bowed out of the Democratic primary net-roots candidate Howard Dean encouraged his base to throw their support behind the eventual nominee. Since then, a number of his loyal followers have written in to various websites claiming that they couldnt stomach the idea of voting for Kerry. Because, you know, when you compare Bush to Kerry, theres really not much of a difference, right? Faulty (Environmental) Intelligence The Bush Administration dirties North Dakota skies, George Tenant unavailable for comment Wow, the state of North Dakota, which has been battling the EPA since 1999 over the poor air quality around Theodore Roosevelt National has reduced its pollution levels significantly. Well, they have reduced levels enough that The E.P.A. under the Bush Administration has given the go-ahead to build a new coal burning electrical plant just spitting distance from the park where President Roosevelt, stunned by the majestic, unspoiled landscape dedicated himself to a life to conservationism. And how exactly has North Dakota worked this air cleaning miracle? Have they developed new coal-burning technologies that reduce toxic emissions? No, they have not. Have they developed filters that catch the toxins before they can contaminate the environment? No again. In fact, being quite unable to reduce the level of pollution in any measurable way, North Dakota was given the go-ahead by the EPA to change the way in which they estimate the level of air pollution in the park. Genius! This is a classic example of how the Bush Administration works on all fronts. If you don t like the intelligence you are presented with change it. And if you can t change the intelligence, change the way you read it. Create formulas after-the-fact that validate your results. That s how America got into Iraq. That s how America got saddled with its biggest national debt in history. That s how North Dakota got a new coal burning electrical facility. In related news, President George W. Bush plans to market a new ruler designed specifically for measuring the penis. It is said that this new ruler is guaranteed to add inches without the aid of pills, creams, or exercise. The administration does not promise that the increased inches will make your package look better in a flight suit. That is, of course, between you and the flight suit. Break In 2: Electric Boogaloo Remember memogate, that little tempest-in-a-teacup wherein Senate Republicans hacked Democratic computers and gained access to thousands of files, perhaps illegally? Well its about to bloom into a Watergate-sized scandal. The bi-partisan Senate judiciary committee is in agreement: it appears a crime or two has been committed and a broader investigation should commence. Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) made his point clear: "Conservatives who offer justification for this based on politics have missed the boat." As a conservative, Graham added, referring to the theft of Democratic documents, it runs against my philosophy of what the law is all about." Last week, Republican Senators who had received a special briefing from Senate Sergeant at Arms Bill Pickle held an intense meeting with various conservative groups. The abbreviated message: Dont attack the Senate investigation; youll regret your position when the results of the probe are public. Thats coming from the REPUBLICANS. Heres what we know: Democratic computers were hacked by GOP staffers. We know that thousands of documents, some containing information on judicial nominees was stolen. We know that Republican staffers leaked the contents of some memos to the conservative press. We may assume from the Senate Judiciary Committees actions that at least some of the hacked information was openly shared, and used for political advantage. The obvious question: Who knew what, and when did they know it? Depending on how the stolen information was attained, disseminated and used this could end up being the kind of crime you have to map with a flowchart, just to keep all the players straight.