What exciting times. A new president-elect. A new administration. An official recession. And the federal government's new reality game, to be hosted by the Internal Revenue Service, called "Bailout Stimulus."
It's easy. Just answer the following questions to determine your eligibility. Ben Bernanke will call if you win.
How far is it in meters from planet Earth to planet Pluto? If two spaceships left those planets going in opposite directions at different speeds, where would they meet and how long would it take? If you cannot answer this question, then why do you think you can understand the bailout? Go directly to the final question.
How many credit cards do you have in your wallet or purse and what is the outstanding balance? If your answer is "zero," you lose. If your answer is "don't know" or "more than my monthly income," you may continue.
Do you own an SUV? Would you trade it for four season tickets to the Grizzlies? For two tickets?
Does "going green" better describe your approach to savings or to the environment? If you answered "savings," you may continue.
Do you own a hybrid vehicle? Have you stopped smirking and do your friends make fun of you now that gas is $1.55 a gallon? Aren't you glad you are not MATA, which contracted last August to buy diesel fuel for $4.52 a gallon for one year even though the current price is $2.52 a gallon?
Do you wear a tie to work? A pantsuit? Does your daily wardrobe cost more than $200? If so, you are eligible for a stimulus.
Do you have a mortgage? Are you paying it off on schedule to a bank or mortgage company without incurring late charges? Are you crazy?
Do you belong to Sam's Club? Do you belong to a country club? If your answer is "yes" to both those questions, you may be eligible for "club swap," the government's new reality television series in which contestants swap memberships and credit cards for 30 days.
Do you have a job connected to cars, newspapers, or lending money? Bailout, babeeeee!
Are you a white supremacist, horny, or one of the Olsen twins or Justin Timberlake? It doesn't matter, but if we use those words, more people will see this on the Internet. In journalism this is called a BUSINESS PLAN.
Are you proficient in Algebra I as required by No Child Left Behind? Please demonstrate by use of a pizza pie and two spaceships traveling between Earth and Pluto. Show your work.
Do you have any employment skills? Do you know anyone who does? How does $6.50 an hour sound?
Do you have any experience in debt collection or telephone solicitation? Are you in India? Are you busy? Report to Washington.
Do you have any coupons? Declare their cash value and deduct it before putting your bills in the bill acceptor.
Do you have any children under 18, accounts receivable, farm property, real property, or items stored in layaway? If so, send them to the United States Treasury, Department of Wealth Redistribution.
Would you rather have a flat-screen TV, a condo in Destin, or your 401(k) account?
Have you ever declared bankruptcy? More than five times? It's okay. Report this on Form JZ-256 and report to work Monday at the United States Treasury.
Do you have any bumper stickers on your car that declare your child an honor student? If so, you are ineligible.
Do you own golf clubs or a pink shirt? How about overalls and a four-wheeler? If so, put tab A into slot B and return form to box C, as explained in the IRS instructions on page 734, footnote K.
Do you have a pension? Are you over 65? Are you over the Kansas game?
Do you own a business? Does it make MONEY? Are you HIRING?
Measure the square footage of the granite countertops in your kitchen and bathroom. If the answer is "over 100," you are eligible.
How often do you regift? Do you believe that "regift = thrift"? Report to the United States Treasury.
Do you think we are living on a doomed planet? You're right.