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El Pendejo

A dream scenario for the Russian investigation …

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Here is my dream scenario: The Robert Mueller investigation finds that the Russians not only hacked individual polling places, but actually flipped the vote in certain precincts in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania. It could happen. My wife, Melody, voted for Steve Cohen in the last election, and the voting machine registered a vote for his Republican opponent. She had to get a poll worker to help her correct the vote. If it happened with Cohen, it could happen with Trump.

So, after finding that the actual vote count was tampered with electronically with the assistance of cyber-whiz Jared Kushner, Mueller discovers that Hillary actually won the presidency. Being in virgin territory, Congress flounders around for an answer and ultimately turns to the Supreme Court. Since the Court still has residual guilt from unconstitutionally handing the presidency to George W. Bush and setting the world aflame, this time they decide to do the right thing and nullify the fraudulent, dark-moneyed, treasonous, Putin-influenced election of Donny the Liar.

Robert Mueller - © JOSHUA ROBERTS  |  REUTERS.COM
  • © Joshua Roberts | reuters.com
  • Robert Mueller

After the election results are overturned and Big Don and his family of grifters are ordered to pack up and get out of that dump called the White House, then the indictments start to fly. The RICO (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act) statute, ironically signed into law by the criminal President Richard Nixon in 1970, is invoked, stating that the leaders of a criminal syndicate are culpable for the crimes they ordered others to do or assisted them in the doing. That should just about cover the Teflon Don, Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, Mike Flynn, Stephen Miller, Jared and Ivanka Kushner, and Kellyanne Conway. A nice, supermax federal prison awaits their arrival, but because they are a security threat, they must be placed in solitary confinement and placed on a 24-hour watch list. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

The human hazmat suit proved, once again, his complete lack of humanity during his humiliating visit to the island formerly known as Puerto Rico. After publicly feuding with the capital city's mayor during an unprecedented natural disaster, Trump tweeted "Such poor leadership ability by the Mayor of San Juan (and other Spanish speakers) ... who are not able to get their workers to help. They want everything done for them." Carmen Yulín Cruz, San Juan's mayor, graduated Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from Boston University, then earned her Master of Sciences degree from Carnegie Mellon University. She has previously worked in human resources at Westinghouse, Colgate-Palmolive, and Cellular One before returning to her native Puerto Rico and entering politics. Cruz is perfectly capable of handling a buffoon like Trump, who practiced his jump shot tossing paper towels to a prescreened crowd of jolly hurricane survivors.

While Carrot Top's biological father was tweeting insults from his 70th day on the golf course, Mayor Cruz was waist deep in contaminated water, begging the government for help. In an interview on the radical Christian network TBN, Trump defended his actions to Holier Than Thou Mike Huckabee, declaring, "They had these beautiful soft towels. Very good towels. And also, when I walked in, the cheering was incredible."  After the predictable blow-back from actual human beings with actual souls, the walking circus peanut was forced to read from a prepared speech: "We must all be united in offering assistance to everyone suffering in Puerto Rico." Then, the Man With No Shame opened Hispanic Heritage Month by mocking a Spanish accent before a group of Latino leaders, saying, "We love Pueeerrrto Rico, or Portorico, as we call it."

As late as last Sunday, less than 12 percent of the island had power and only half the population had potable water. A power failure in a San Juan hospital caused the mayor to request additional help from FEMA; she received zero response. On October 8th, 18 days after the catastrophic storm, Cruz tweeted, "Increasingly painful to understand the American people want to help and US Government does not want to help. WE NEED WATER." In return, Trump tweeted from the 14th tee, "Nobody could have done what I've done for Puerto Rico with so little appreciation."

Reputably, posters have appeared all over the island with Trump's glowing mug over the lettering "El Pendejo," which roughly translates into "asshole" in English. If further proof were needed to show Trump's shallow indifference towards Puerto Rico, FEMA Administrator Brock Long stated, "We filtered out the mayor a long time ago. We don't have time for this political noise." I wonder if "pendejo" is more or less offensive than Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling the president "a fucking moron"?

Meanwhile, the five living past presidents — Saint Jimmy Carter, Poppy Bush, Bubba, Dubya, and Barack — established a joint project called "One America Appeal," a recovery effort for hurricane victims in Texas, Florida, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, and what looks like Louisiana and Mississippi. Their efforts include a website where donated funds can be targeted to where they're most needed, and a public service announcement that appeared before Trump's new whipping boy, an NFL game. The George H.W. Bush Presidential Library announced that all five former presidents will appear at a country music concert on October 21st at Texas A&M stadium. Trump is not invited because he's not remotely in the same class as the previous chief executives.

Remember when chief counsel John Dean told Richard Nixon, "There is a cancer growing on the presidency"? Trump is the cancer. He is the fungus on the pendejo of life. There is no joy in this White House. One glance at Melania's face makes it clear she is the unhappiest woman in America, which brings to mind the old quote by author Jill Mansell: "When you marry for money, you usually end up earning every penny." Randy Haspel writes the "Recycled Hippies" blog.

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