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WSWJJ (What Shark Would Jesus Jump)

The conservative Main Street Journal's February edition contains an article presented by the University of Memphis' Bornblum Judaic Studies Department, attributed to David Patterson, the department's Chair of Excellence, who claims that environmentalists are like a "pagan cult" who blame the Bible for global warming.

"The culprit in the warming and poisoning of the planet is the human being — not just for what he has done, but for the sin of being alive," Patterson writes after noting the environmentalists' tendency to supplant cultish behavior for scientific methodology.

"We can gain remission from that sin by paying off the high priest of the carbon footprint," Patterson continues. "Had it not been for the Bible's teaching about our conquering the earth, it is maintained, we would not be in this mess: It is the Bible's fault."

Patterson quotes from the book of Genesis and concedes that, by divine edict, the Earth should be treated as something "sacred," before retreating into hard-core science to prove once and for all that the modern-day tree hugger is nothing more than a Druid in Birkenstocks.

"The pagan shift comes with the [environmentalist's] view that the human being is part of nature, and not the steward of nature," he says. "One cannot be both."

And why can't one be both? Because if man is part of nature then "chickens cooped up for slaughter are easily compared to Jews crammed into gas chambers." (Yes, he said "easily.")

Proving once and for all that biblical tradition is superior to the pagan cultishness of environmentalism, Patterson concludes that mankind's mission on planet Earth isn't to be "one with nature," but instead "one with the Divine Word," a condition that the author then claims is brought about by a kind of sympathetic magic.

The Fly-Team is thrilled to see the U of M's name attached to this kind of logical, scholarly work.

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