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Cut Flowers

Unable to turn a profit, Hallmark Cards is shuttering its troubled direct-to-consumer flower-and-gift business. As a result, 65 jobs will be cut at the company's Kansas City headquarters, and 35 jobs will be cut from its Memphis-based distribution center. Friends of the newly unemployed workers who wish to voice their sympathy and concern, but don't know what to say, shouldn't express themselves with roses or a "Have a Nice Day" bouquet.

I Can Do Bad

The Fly Team salutes 200 hardworking volunteers from Saint Andrew A.M.E. Church. Inspired by the message about community service at the heart of Tyler Perry's new film Meet the Browns, this group decided to roll up their sleeves and make the world a better place to live. This is so much nicer than the church inspired by Madea Goes to Jail.

Smugglers' Blues

A word to would-be smugglers: Hiding your contraband in a Foot Pleaser Ultra Deep Kneading Foot Massager may seem like a clever idea, but it won't outfox the fuzz. Last week, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers at the Memphis International Airport cargo inspection X-rayed just such a foot massager and discovered 18 bundles of money adding up to $45,000. Everybody knows it's better to hide your money in HoMedics' virtually X-ray-proof AK-3 Foot Pro Ultra Luxury Two-Speed Foot Massager with penetrating infrared heat. Duh.

Headline of the week

From an editorial in The Commercial Appeal: "Hickory Hill is still worth saving." And really, who can argue with that? But one more slip up, Hickory Hill, and it's KABLOOIE!

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