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Holy Ghostwriters

Last week, a Memphis church was selected to "help update the Bible." According to a UPI report, representatives of God Almighty and/or the Zondervan Publishing Group met at Christ United Methodist Church to take "handwritten passages" for a 30th anniversary edition of the New International Version of the Lord's holy and presumably immutable Word.

Ideally, some of those cumbersome "thou shalt nots" and other restrictive bits of regulatory language can finally be removed from the Pentateuch, allowing the invisible hand of Destiny/the Market more freedom to work divine miracles.

Dirty Ducks?

Is Central Arkansas' KARK-TV suggesting that the Peabody's ducks are engaging in fowl play? According to an article on the station's website, "Some infamous Memphis ducks have a new home ... some call it a palace." But are the Peabody ducks truly infamous? Did they quack somebody's head open or something? Sure, in the current economic crisis, $200,000 may seem like a lot of money to pay for a fancy birdcage, but these waddlers can always say "put it on my bill."

Studies in "Duh"

The Commercial Appeal has published the latest in its Stating the Obvious series of special investigations. This week's report: "Wash your hands often at work, home." This hard-hitting piece notes that "hands should not be used for sneezing and coughing. Workers should use disposable tissues. If not available, workers should sneeze or cough into sleeves or elbows."

Rich in Poverty

According to the Memphis Business Journal, "'Memphis Rich' Falls Below National Average." No, the article isn't about a rapper who's lost his flow. The annual salary it takes "to be considered rich in Memphis" has fallen below the national average. The MBJ reports that a household must earn $173,953 a year to be rich in America, only slightly less than the cost of a new duck palace.

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