Forbes magazine has released yet another one of its sensational, attention-grabbing, but ultimately meaningless lists, and — as usual — Memphis gets dissed. This time around, the Bluff City was named America's second most miserable city.
According to Forbes, we're all miserable because "the home of FedEx has an incredibly high rate of violent crimes. ... The city's sales tax and rate of government employees committing crimes also fall within the 10 highest in the U.S. ... [and] the Memphis Grizzlies [have] lost 74 percent of [their] games during the past three years." Although the success or failure of a pro sports franchise is obviously a very scientific metric, it's difficult to take any study seriously that doesn't also include a ribs index.
It looks like Michael Phelps and A-Rod aren't the only professional athletes doing drugs. My Eyewitness News reports that a Memphis man is under arrest after cops found 80 birds and a cockfighting ring — with spectator seating — at his home. Police also confiscated 200 performance-enhancing black pills, which are given to fighting cocks to make them impervious to pain. The man faces misdemeanor charges while the doped-up birds, previously viewed as role models to young chicks everywhere, stand to lose a variety of product endorsement deals.
100 Percent Pure
The Commercial Appeal's conservative columnist Marilyn Loeffel has knocked one out of the park — the crazy park, that is — with a column devoted to "purity vows," "purity rings," and keeping our daughters pure and untainted by either penises or comprehensive sex education. According to Loeffel, "condoms break," nobody blushes anymore, and "abstinence is best, because there is no such thing as safe sex." Of course, cars wreck and banks fail and that is why we should also abolish driver's education and economics classes.