Today, Northwest Airlines announced that it would henceforth only use pilots who live in Shelby County. "We feel that as a Memphis-based hub, it's only right that we hire pilots based on where they live rather than on their skills in piloting an airplane," said company spokesperson, Albie Darned.
Picking up on the trend was Baptist Memorial Hospital, which declared Thursday that the company would begin limiting its medical hires to "doctors and nurses who live in the 38117 zip code."
"We are confident we can find plenty of fairly decent physicians and nurses in this area code. All we have to do is increase and intensify our recruitment efforts," said hospital spokesperson, R.U. Kidden. "We may have to lower our medical standards slightly, but the important thing is that our doctors and nurses are committed to living in our neighborhood."
The Memphis Grizzlies also committed to the new business model today. "We are letting go all our players who are not from the South," said team spokesperson, Watt A. Crock. "Sure, it means we replace O.J. Mayo and Rudy Gay with a couple of recruits from LeMoyne-Owen and CBU, but what the heck, at least we know they care about our part of the country, and that's the important thing."
Of course, by now, you realize I'm making all this up -- except for the part about the City Council's decision to make one's ability to live inside the Memphis limits the primary skill set desired for hiring Memphis police officers. I only wish I was making that part up.
-- Bruce VanWyngarden