One of my old fraternity brothers is dating this girl named Katarina. When they met, all of his friends immediately hated her. We were pretty vocal near the beginning, but we stopped saying anything about it after he started talking about marrying her and everything.
Right now hes in med school in Florida and this girl works here, where all the rest of us live. We try not to see her if we can help it, but every three months or so he comes in town to visit her and well all get together. I dont think shes ever gone to visit him.
A few nights ago, another friend of mine pulled me aside one night at a bar and asked if I had heard anything about Katarina being with this guy Paul, who we also know from school.
After I heard that, I remembered I had seen them at Memphis in May together and Paul was sort of leading her through the crowd. I didnt think anything about it then ... but now Im wondering if theyre together. And what should I tell my boy? He didnt go to school in California because Florida was closer and we told him she was holding him back. I just think hed be so much better off without her.
Time to Tattle Tell?
Tell, you might be right. Your frat brother might be better off without Katarina. She might be holding him back. And she might be cheating on him. But, no matter how much you care about him and his future, you arent him. And you cant go around making careless decisions for him. Its good you came to me.
I think everyone has the right to know if their current is cheating on them. Its a hard conversation to have with a friend, and sometimes it gets you into trouble, but in the end, its not fair if they dont know. Keep reading, though, because I dont want you stopping now and speed dialing up your boy to blab.
From the number of times Ive been part of that particular conversation -- on either side, mind you -- I can tell you that there are probably a number of questions your frat brother will be asking: One ... What? Two ... Are you sure? Three ... How do you know? Four ... How long have your known? And five ... Are you sure?
Question one is more shock than anything else, but question two through five, especially five, are very important (three can actually get the messenger in trouble if theyve waited years and years to disclose what they know, but we wont get into that here). And from what I can tell, you dont have the answers. Its like buying a copy of last years biology 101 test; you might have all the information youll need in the palm of your hand. Or you might just have a useless piece of paper.
What Im saying is that you dont know if anything is really going on. You saw a guy help a girl through the crowd at Memphis in May. Heck, I love it if total strangers help me through crowds like that one last year. Its not like you saw them having sex behind one of the stages. If you go to your friend now with the info, hell run through one through five, youll give it your best shot, and hell probably bring up the fact that you never liked Katarina and how sad it is that after all this time you would try to break them up. Im just guessing thats what hell say, of course.
So for now, keep your concerns to yourself but your ear to the ground. If she is sleeping around, youll probably hear more about it. Heck, you could even ask Paul about it -- not Are you sleeping with Katarina? but Are you seeing anyone? I know someone whod be perfect for you? -- and try to find out that way.
Then, when you can answer question five with a definitive yes or at least an Im pretty sure, and only then, is it time to tell.
My boyfriend thinks Im trying to steal his mojo and I need your advice.
Rufus and I have been dating for a year and half and lately he keeps accusing me of trying to control him. Honestly I have no desire to control him -- though itd be nice if hed occasionally wash my car, change a light bulb, or something.
Anyway, every time I ask him to attend an event with me he says, You cant control me, or something similar to that. The other day he actually told some of my friends (with me present) that I wanted to cut off his balls -- then he turned to me and said, You cant have them, the balls are mine! I dont think I have to say this, but I will anyway: I do not want his balls, nor do I want to cut them off. I theyre fine right where they are.
Im at my wits end. I love him and I want to be with him, but the constant accusations are driving me crazy. How can I let him know that I love him -- stubborn, independent, wonderful him -- just the way he is?
Dont want his balls
Is he crazy? I mean, really, does he need some sort of lithium cocktail?
Oh, how silly of me, Im forgetting. Hes a guy. Guys are crazy, especially when they get into one of these relationships thats fastly on its way to being LONG TERM and theyre not comfortable with it yet.
Now there are a couple of ways for going about fixing this. One is to make sure your question marks are so loud they can be seen. As in, ????Honey, do you think you could possibly make some time to go to this event with me???? Make sure he sees its really all about choice. His choice. Of course, hell probably still say no, but at least he wont say that you want to cut off his balls.
I think, though, that what you want is for him to do these things and not say that youre trying to control him. This is a trickier proposition. He needs to understand that sometimes you have to do things you dont want to, because the person youre with does want to do them. Now personally for this, I like the idea of turning the whole thing around on him. Such as:
Him: Do you want to go get breakfast?
You: You cant control me, mister. Ill eat breakfast when I want and where I want.
Him: Lets watch Nascar on television. Itll be three hours of mind-numbing boredom.
You: There you go, trying to rob me of my breasts again. Why cant you just leave me be?
Unfortunately, if he doesnt catch on, this might make your relationship a little contentious. So, this is what I would suggest, the ol it-would-be-really-sexy line. As in, It would be really sexy if you would change the oil in my car. Or, it would be really manly if you would just put on a tux and take me to this charity event.
This way you can show him that hes a stud (is there anything sexier than a man changing your oil, really?) and that there are things youd really like him to do.
And if that doesnt work, Id try lithium.