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Normally, this column is devoted to local news, but occasionally a national story breaks that is so big we have no choice but to cover it. On Monday, October 13th, a story appeared on with the headline, Monkeys can move robotic arm with their thoughts. In case you somehow missed the point of this already pointed headline, allow me to rephrase it for you. Thanks to special brain implants developed by scientists at Duke University, a select group of monkeys (who may or may not be super-intelligent) now have the awesome power to control robots using nothing but their wicked simian brains. Now let s not kid ourselves, people. We all knew the time would come when monkeys could control robots with their minds. That s a given. But who could have guessed it would happen so soon, before the U.S. citizenry (already frightened by the looming specter of terrorism) were prepared to deal with evil, robot-controlling monkeys bent on total world domination? Where are our ray-guns, I ask? Where are our sky-cars? Where are our six-course meals in pill form? The end of civilization is near. Monkeys can control robots with their brains. MONKEYS CAN CONTROL ROBOTS WITH THEIR BRAINS!!!

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