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It has been reported that within the next few days Memphis and Knoxville residents who have ingested toxins and call the local poison-control hot line will receive a recorded message informing them that the service is no longer in operation. This will make Memphis and Knoxville the only areas in the country without such a service. The prerecorded message will instruct poison victims to call 911 and may or may not say, Dude, you are so screwed.

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