Buckle up, friends. This is war. We've finally identified our real enemies, and we're taking strong measures to stop them from destroying us. And not a moment too soon.
The Axis of Evil — Canada, Germany, Great Britain, France, and the other democracies of Europe — has for far too long been trying to undermine the very foundations of our economy with their nefarious "trade" policies and their so-called "friendship" and "mutual self-defense" alliances. Their evil leaders — Trudeau, Merkel, May, Macron, and the others — must finally face the wrath of President Donald Trump, the Master of the Deal.
If it's war they don't want, it's war they shall get!
But we're not going into this conflict alone. Oh, no. Thankfully, our allies — North Korea, China, and Russia — are stepping up to help. Last week, for instance, North Korea's second-in-command (and former spy chief), Kim Yong-chol, personally delivered a letter to the White House in a really huge envelope. It was so big, the president said he liked the letter even before he read it. In that diplomatic missive, North Korea agreed to possibly agree to discuss the possible discussion of a meeting between President Trump and Kim Jung Un. Winning! The only stipulation DPRNK made is that the U.S. would have to pay for the North Korean leader's hotel room and parking, which is no big deal, really. I mean, it was a really big envelope, and probably expensive. Plus, we have Trivago.
And let's not forget China, one of our oldest allies, which, as a gesture of good will, has just granted licenses and permits to some of Ivanka Trump's fabulous companies. Ivanka, of course, would love to have her clothing manufactured in the United States, but it would be such a hassle to move everything over here, so who can blame her for staying? Well, maybe Samantha Bee, but nobody normal.
All we have to do in return is rescind the ban on the sale of American equipment to ZTE, China's phone company, which was sanctioned for trading with Iran and stealing American technology. Sure, ZTE phones can be set up to collect all user data and send it back to China, and sure, Congress is almost unilaterally opposed to the deal, but I think most of us would agree with the president that it's a small price to pay for such a terrific friendship and cheaper purses.
And, of course, it goes without saying that Russia is behind us 100 percent. Russian President Vladimir Putin is just itching to help us in our efforts to destabilize the economies of Canada, England, Germany, and France. A better ally, you couldn't ask for. Especially, since the president wisely decided not to implement any of those horrible economic sanctions against Russia for election meddling that were unanimously passed by Congress last year. That kind of forward thinking is finally paying off. Three-dimensional chess. Boom. And, as a bonus, the Russians have agreed to help with our elections again this year!
So, my fellow Americans, no more of those lousy Volkswagens, Mercedes, and BMWs. It's Kias and Hyundais all the way, baby. And sure, you might like the occasional LaBatt's and that weird Canadian "bacon," but wait till you try Tsingtao and Korean kim chi. Plus, French wine is overrated, anyway. Two words: cheap vodka! And you won't even miss your iPhone, once you've gotten your hands on a ZTE ChiPhone. The president says it's important that we save Chinese jobs, and who could disagree with that?
On the domestic front, the president's wartime economic policy is equally forward-thinking. He's demanding that American companies buy coal from failing U.S. mining companies, despite the increased energy prices and manufacturing costs that will result. Sure, higher consumer prices are never fun, but we all have to sacrifice in times of war. Besides, everyone knows that capitalistic free-hand-of-the-market stuff is old news. It just can't compete with a government-controlled, impulse-driven economy. Thankfully, Russia, China, and North Korea have shown us the way to the future.
And with allies like that, who needs friends?