Opinion » The Rant

The News From Hell: Keeping Up With DT



Remember Brent Kavanaugh? Or was it Bart? Those noxious hearings seem so long ago, I can hardly remember. I seem to recall something about the rollicking activities of Bart and his bros P.J., Squi, and Tobin having a "drink until you puke" contest during Beach Week on a private island somewhere. In between alcohol-fueled episodes of bird-dogging teenage girls, Kavanaugh's Krewe was directly responsible for the banning of beer on the beach because girls kept getting sand in their Schlitz.

It seems Burt may have received serious mental impairment from Beach Week, because 30 years later, he sat in front of a Senate sub-committee and continued to repeat the phrase, "I like beer," as if it were some sort of alcoholic zombie mantra.

The all night benders, the shit-faced stupors, along with the alleged sexual assaults, are just the qualities many fine people look for in a Supreme Court Justice. I heard Thurgood Marshall was known to butt-chug some suds while attending keggers at Howard University Law School. I don't know for sure but many people are saying that. He shouldn't worry. I understand that Thurgood Marshall is getting more popular every day. He and Frederick Douglass rented a loft in D.C. where they have "brewski orgies" every weekend. Bruce Kavanaugh is still waiting for an invitation.

  • REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst
  • Jeff Sessions

Trump got his frat-boy "fixer" onto the Supreme Court just in time to quash any pesky subpoenas he might receive to testify before the special counsel. Weren't the tumultuous Kavanaugh hearings supposed to be the major issue for the Republicans in the mid-terms? Oops. As usual, Trump had to change the subject to make it all about himself. He told his rabid cultists to "pretend I'm on the ballot," and they did. Either voters believed his racist and maniacal rantings about the caravan filled with ISIS terrorists and horny "big, strong men" walking from Honduras to your town to have their way with your women and spread exotic diseases — or you believed the truth.

Fox News even featured an ex-ICE agent who said the migrants were bringing smallpox, leprosy, and TB, even though smallpox was eradicated in 1980. According to President Norman Bates, Democrats are evil people who "don't care about crime and want illegal immigrants to pour in and infest" the nation. When Nancy Pelosi objected to the reference of migrants as "animals," Trump responded by stating that she "came out in favor of MS-13." Miraculously, when the election was over, the caravan vanished from the news, except for Trump's stunt sending 5,000 troops to spend Thanksgiving in West Texas eating turkey and dressing from an MRE pouch.

Trump's post-election press conference was the most graceless, combative, and condescending yet. Words can't compare with the YouTube video you should see for yourself. His singling out of CNN's Jim Acosta as, "A rude, terrible person [who] shouldn't be working for CNN," was only the beginning of the cratering of decency. After the press berating, the unforgivably recused Jeff Sessions only lasted an hour. Trump left it to General John Kelly to do the firing. This was expected, but before Trump flew off to France, he installed his pool boy as acting attorney general. The lackey's name is Matt Whitaker, who looks like a bouncer in a biker bar, but was actually a huckster for World Patent Marketing, a fraudulent invention promotion firm that scammed clients out of $26 million dollars, including the doomed investments from their marketing outreach program for veterans. The FTC shut the company down in 2017 citing "threats, intimidation, and gag clauses," and froze their assets. Now who doesn't deserve a job in the White House after that? Especially since Whitaker wrote in USA Today that Hillary should be indicted and appeared on CNN advocating for limitations to the Mueller probe. It's become obvious that in the lame-duck session, the cornered Trump will do as much damage as possible before the new Congress comes in and demands to see his birth certificate, so expect more Brownshirt rallies.

Cable news pundits assert that Democrats should feel elated for taking back the House, but this election left me disgusted. I'm dismayed that nearly half the country thinks that this sociopath's blatant racism, sexism, and fear of the "other" is all right by them. This was the most vile, repulsive, and racist campaign in my lifetime, and that was just in Tennessee. The former "image consultant," Marsha Blackburn, embraced every Trump atrocity, and then some. Her television ads were a disgrace. Sure, Phil Bredesen stepped on his dick with the whole Kavanaugh business, but I naively believed enough people thought he was a good enough governor to be elected. He wasn't just beaten, he was slaughtered, proving that fear-mongering works among the rural folk. Our little corner of Tennessee was a blue canoe in the midst of a redneck sea. Trump has pledged a "war footing" if the Democrats begin investigating his abuses, meaning nothing gets done for the foreseeable future.

There hasn't been one calm day since this duck-tailed Colonel Parker clone took office. California is currently experiencing the deadliest fires in its history, on top of the 12 people slaughtered in a bar by a twisted gunman with an illegal extended magazine. Trump has yet to utter a word. He has, however, announced the winners of this year's Presidential Medal of Freedom awards, including right-wing Justice Antonin Scalia, baseball legend Babe Ruth, and home-boy, Elvis Presley. At least he doesn't have to worry if they'll be showing up for the medal ceremony.

Randy Haspel writes the "Recycled Hippies" blog.

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