Finally, finally, FINALLY! The Memphis Flyer has had the good sense to curb the liberal writings of old men like Tim Sampson and Randy Haspel and change the back page of this paper to something more sensible by adding some female voices. Thank God — and I'm speaking of the God of Christianity who rules this nation and should rule the rest of the world, instead of these so-called prophets like Mohammed — that the paper has finally come to its senses and is now giving voice to women with some conservative values and extremely long necks like mine.
That Sampson guy has been writing his drivel for this paper for 26 years now, and it's about time he gets limited to write just one piece of garbage each month from now on. I don't know how you readers have put up with his left-wing musings for this many years. I hope that you will just skip over his soon-to-be monthly "Last Word" column and pay attention to writers like me, who really have something important to add.
Let's take a look back: Most recently, Sampson verbally defiled pro-American-values crusader Pamela Geller, just because she had the audacity to host a pro-freedom-of-expression art show in which artists and normal God-fearing American citizens were invited to draw cartoons of the Islamic prophet Mohammed at an art gallery in the great, GREAT state of Texas, which (thank God again) gives criminals the death penalty more than any state in the country. They know how to deal with heathens, and I say more power to them.
It's still a shame that Texas Governor Rick Perry didn't beat the communist Barack Obama in the last presidential election. Now look where we are: Our taxes are being used right and left to finance food stamps for poor people who are too lazy to get jobs that would allow them to buy their own food and not put the burden on those of us who need to stockpile our millions for when Obama finally destroys the country, which has been his plan all along, because he is a socialist who was not even born in the United States and is, in fact, a radical Muslim from Africa.
Thank God, again, for people like Sarah Palin and me who aren't afraid to tell the truth about him. Oh, yeah, you'll be reading much more about this when Sampson's "Rant" business is sidelined. You better get down on your knees and pray that this new change lasts for a long, long time.
And, no more will you have to be besieged on such a regular basis with his "ranting" about how gay marriage should be legalized in every state or how he thinks voting rights for impoverished blacks and other Democrats are being jeopardized, or his ongoing babbling about how that Soulsville Charter School's seniors have all been accepted to college for the past four years that it has had graduations — with their inner-city kids receiving more than $30 million in scholarships. To read his biased (because he works there) views, you'd think white kids from wealthy families, who attend Christian-based private schools, don't achieve anything. It sickens me, and I know it sickens you.
And then there's the way he goes on and on and ON about how much he loves Memphis and how it's the coolest city in the world. Give me a break. Most of you reading this live there and you know what a hellhole Memphis is. There's nothing but crime and people living on welfare there and one black mayor after another. You all know you live in the poorest, most dangerous, most obese city in the United States and that Memphis has nothing to offer upstanding, conservative people of virtue. He thinks places like Wild Bill's, Ernestine & Hazel's, Beale Street, and the Blue Worm are all so great, but he never talks about all the great things on Germantown Parkway or the gated subdivisions in the suburbs, where people exercise their God-given freedom to stay away from all that filth that goes on in the city. He and Haspel are just old, white liberal men who are stuck in their hippie days and don't see the light of what really matters to true Americans.
And speaking of the great Sarah Palin, it is almost criminal the way this paper has allowed Sampson to criticize her for her beliefs, her animal killing, her beautiful and intelligent children, and her stance on American values. She is a true American hero, but to read Sampson, you'd think she isn't the genius that she really is, no matter what newspapers she reads. And when she says she can see Russia from Alaska, she is telling the truth. She always has and continues to do so on national Fox News, which Sampson also dismisses as right-wing propaganda, which you all know is not true.
So be very, very happy, people, that "The Rant" will be changing soon, albeit not soon enough for those of you who have had to put up with Sampson's diatribes for so long. I say, so long to him and pay no attention to what he and Haspel write in their new monthly "Last Word" columns.
This column was actually written by Tim Sampson, of course. No conservative publicity whores were harmed in the writing of this column.