Opinion » The Rant

The Rant



Wait just a second. Hold on. Hold on just one more second. I have to suction out the coffee I just spit into my keyboard laughing. I was reading about the Summit of the Americas down in Argentina and how Hugo Chavez said he might "sneak up" on George Bush and "scare him." I would give anything to see that. I've always contended somebody needed to poke him in the butt -- one way or another. Or Chavez could sneak up behind him and say in a very eerie, demonic voice, "We have your daughters ... but we give them back to you now. They act like stuck-up little gringos and drink up all our rum!" Or he could sneak up behind George and say, "We have your press secretary Scott McLellan ... but we give him back to you now because he very, very boring and he eat up all our cookies! We spank his monkey many times and he still eat up all our cookies! We never see a man who eat so many cookies!" Or, "We have your friend Scooter ... but we give him back to you now because we torture him by making him stare at naked pictures of Karl Rove and all he do is keep lying!" Or, "We have your friend Condoleezza Rice ... but we give her back to you now because she keep screaming something about a disaster and she need to go shoe shopping!" Or, "We have your mother Barbara ... but we give her back to you now because she make too much noise yelling at Scotty to quit eating so many cookies!" What I'd really like to see is George and Hugo side by side at the urinal during a break and Chavez would look over and down at George and say, "Ah ha! Just what I thought!" Whatever the case, if George does make it through the thousands of people down there protesting against him, I just pray he doesn't get up in front of all the other world leaders and start squawking about that damn bird flu. I can hear it now. "Now, some of you might think it's silly to spend $7 billion dollars on a plan to fight this fird blu, I mean, turd blue, I mean, well, but when a bird gets the flu, it can't fly. Which means it can never again say, I flew. Why, I saw one bird that flew over a cuckoo's nest! Fellow world leaders, let us not lose our resolve with these sick birds. When the bird to people flu starts -- shoot, wait, did y'all get that one? Bird to people! Bird to people! Get it? Get it? It's like Earth to George. My buddy Dick Cheney kept saying that to me when I tried to slide Nancy Miers in on the Supreme Court! Ha ha! Bird to people. Gosh darn! Hugo, you go and try to top that one!" And then he gets that real beady-eyed look and that little smirk on his face and shifts his glance around the room to make sure everyone gets it, like he does when he occasionally completes a sentence that makes sense. And you know he probably thinks pandemic is the name of an airline. What I want is a list of all the stockholders in the company that makes Tamiflu. Think there's any funny business going on there, or am I just being paranoid? Oops. Nope. Turns out Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is the former chaiman of the board and the largest single shareholder of Gilead, the company that makes Tamiflu, and he's making millions on the stock-price runup. Too bad we can't just bomb the birds and then hire Halliburton to clean up the mess, so Cheney can get in on the action. I, for one, am going to get a shot of TammyFlu. The side effects are ripping off millions of Christian television viewers and crying a lot about it later and wearing enough mascara to blacktop Poplar Avenue, but it would be worth it. Anything to just not have to hear about it anymore.

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