I just witnessed an animated pick-up truck with buck teeth telling another animated vehicle that his name was 'Mater -- "You know, like 'Tomater' without the 'To.'" This was from the new movie Cars, which was the box-office leader among the past weekend's opening films. If I hadn't actually seen the promo for it on TV and had just heard it in passing, I probably would have assumed it was George W. Bush speaking at yet another press conference about the dangers to "Amurkan merge" by the frightening prospect of gay marriage. It really baffles me how the mainstream media can squeeze in fascinating "news" stories such as this one a split second after reporting on the three men who committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay after being locked up like dogs in cages in the Cuban heat and humidity for more than four years without being charged with any crime, without the hope of a trial, without communication with their families, and without knowing from hour to hour what might happen to them. Yeah, I know. It's easy to criticize. Every other civilized nation in the world thinks it's a horrible, illegal mess. And it is laughable that some politicians and news agencies are just now suggesting that perhaps it's time to close the prison. Uh, let's see. One of the men who killed himself was 21 years old. That means he would have been around 17 when they locked him up. I don't care how much of a "bring 'em on" guy Mr. Bush might be, he should stop scratching his ass in the fishing boat for a moment and give this situation some real thought. Sure, terrorists start out young. Sure, the kid might have had ties to a terrorist group. But then again, who knows? He never got a trial. He was just locked up in a hellhole for four years. Unfortunately, that really is what has become Amurkan. What should we do with the detainees? Well, here's a bulletin: There are alternatives to either letting them go free and back to their countries or just holding them at Guantanamo indefinitely. We have these things in the United States called prisons, where criminals who have been tried in court and found guilty of crimes are housed in cells. How about we use one of these until these people get a trial, rather than leaving them in sweltering cages in which no sane person would kennel a dog. And don't give me any crap about that being too expensive or the jails already being overcrowded. If Bush can spend a trillion dollars on this war and hire Halliburton to overcharge the military by millions of dollars, certainly we can afford to turn an empty warehouse somewhere into a facility to house 400 men. And why do the talking heads yammer on and on about how we can't just let them back out on the streets of Amurka because they are dangerous? Do they seriously believe that people who are against the existence of the Guantanamo Bay "detention center" think all of the detainees should be flown to Times Square and released to stroll about the streets of New York? Are they that stupid? Are they afraid that some of the men might wind up in Massachusetts and marry each other and destroy the institution of merge? It's no wonder that linebacker Karen Hughes is having a tough time traveling around the world trying to improve Amurka's image. And what a wise decision it was to give her this task. That's possibly the scariest woman I've ever seen. When a reporter asked her about the Haditha family killings the other day, which obviously threw her off guard because the interview was supposed to be about the killing of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, she just flashed a big smile and gave some canned answer about all of the facts not being in yet. Well, you big scary woman who should NOT be wearing jackets with shoulder pads, the facts are not in yet on all of the people locked up at Guantanamo either. They weren't in on the 21-year-old kid who hanged himself. Are you going to smile about that? Maybe you should contact his mother and get a real chuckle out of talking with her about his death. Give me an expletive break.