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The Rant

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I don't know if this is "breaking news" or a "developing story," but I do know that it is "exclusive" to the Flyer so you'd better not miss it. I talked to a guy the other day who is my neighbor's cousin's babysitter's brother. He talked to a waiter in a restaurant who had heard from his pet psychic's golf coach who was in a cab with a driver who had also driven a reporter who had interviewed a stock broker who had been on the same elevator with a woman who lived down the street from another stock broker who once went on vacation to Colorado and swears that John Mark Karr didn't kill JonBenet Ramsey. Now, with a source like that you just can't get much closer to the truth, can you? I'll probably get to go on the Today show to be interviewed by Ann Curry, or I may just wait until Katie Couric takes center stage next month on CBS Nightly News and give her the exclusive interview, depending on what the other media report in the meantime. I'm sure plenty of people with no real connections or facts -- unlike myself -- will be coming out of the woodwork to get in front of the cameras, claiming things like they knew Karr when he was a small boy and they knew then that he would or wouldn't have done such a thing as kill a child. But I do wish those people from the cosmetic-surgery clinic in Bangkok would forget about that patient-confidentiality business and come out and let the world know for sure if Karr was actually visiting the clinic in preparation for a sex change. With Karr's alleged history of liking little girls, would having a sex change mean that he would become a lesbian? See, that kind of hapless rumor just doesn't make sense. YIKES! Just as I wrote that last sentence a local news station reported that Karr is also now a "person of interest" in a child kidnapping case just across the river in Arkansas. I kid you not. I wonder if the pet psychic broke that one. Actually, I met a real pet psychic from California not long ago, and she was quite fabulous and made some eerily astute observations. WAIT! An NBC Special Report is coming on this very minute ... Oh, never mind. It's just George Bush talking about the war on terror. Heard it. Heard it, George. What do you have to say about John Mark Karr and JonBenet Ramsey? And why are you taking up valuable mainstream broadcast-media time about such things when the networks could be reporting what Karr is wearing today. Last I heard he had "traded in his silk shirt and tie for his prison blues." The networks haven't, however, let us all know what he is being fed -- after the meal on his flight that apparently included champagne, wine, pâté, crispy fried prawns, and chocolate cake. He OBVIOUSLY did not fly Northwest or any other U.S. airline. And he certainly wouldn't have had such a meal in Arkansas, where he is now a "person of interest." I say he is a person of interest everywhere in the country. In fact, if you aren't obsessed with the John Mark Karr/JonBenet Ramsey saga, you are incredibly unpatriotic. You might as well join the Cut and Run Club. You should take some special ointment and apply it to your head! Apply it to your head! Apply it to your head! Apply it to your head! You should stop watching what little coverage there is now about that pesky war in Iraq. Thank goodness the mainstream media know that we are tired of that by now and what we really want is more news about JonBenet! Did John Mark Karr kill her or is he claiming to be her killer just to get his 15 minutes of fame since he didn't get to become a lesbian? Was he there with her when she was killed or was he there with her "in spirit" and does he still talk to her and hear her talk back? Did he stalk her in Atlanta? How did he get in the house? Or did he really get in the house? Did he kidnap that child in Arkansas? Has he killed before? Why is he so concerned about his appearance? What kind of wine did he have on the plane? Red or white? Merlot or Chardonnay? What kind of pâté did he eat? A rustic country pâté with crusty bread or the smooth goose-liver pâté that you spread on crackers? There are so many questions yet to be answered. I, for one, will be glued to the news in the coming days and weeks. I hope you will be a true American and do the same!

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